Hi guise, so I decided I wanted to share this part of me. I’ve been suffering from this for quite sometime now and I think I’m comfortable enough to talk about it now. Daydreaming has taken a huge part of my life. I think it started around 7th grade. I was in school on the swings with my friends – each one listening to whatever music that was blasting in our headphones. At that time I decided to make up a story in my head about what the song was about: me being the main character but of course joined by my favourite friends. No one liked to be alone even though at that time I had many friends, but I was still alone and I wasn’t the person I wanted to be. It never stopped since then. I would spend my breaks like this almost every day and it didn’t happen just in school, it broke its way it and came with me along car rides.
I think around 9th grade was the time my parents were splitting up and my dreams continued to increase because it was better than the life I was living. It was a drastic change in my life, I always felt alone and to sum it up: I was an annoying emotional teenage girl that thought what she was going through is the worst that could ever happen. However I do have a good understanding of myself, I knew that in whenever I was put in a bad situation I would instantly feel like the victim so I knew some other people were going through worse, I knew my situation could be even worse than it is but I still couldn’t remove that feeling. To get out of this I would read online non-fiction stories to see worse situations that are really happening and to make me feel grateful about my life.
I decided that I can daydream without the music, it allowed me to block out all the fighting and stuff that I didn’t want to hear. My daydreams were basically to impress people I wanted to notice that I’m not just boring, but the truth was I was boring. I couldn’t do any of the crap I imagined I can do. I also made up fictional characters for my support like Peter Pan had the Lost. Kids? Kinda like that. I started to create my own world in my head. I even grew up in it.
Later I took up cutting because not everything would be blocked with daydreams, even if they were, I’d still know that something happened. Cutting became a habit. I kinda loved doing it. My use of cutting and daydreaming continued as I decreased my crying and complaining/talking. Ever since, crying became a weird thing for me. I never really cry anymore, maybe a few tears slip during times I cant block out but I never actually cry. Crying has became a very weird thing for me, it surprised me when my friends would come and tell me they cried and I’d just think “Really? you do that? People are okay with crying?”
The life I created in my head was way better than the one I’m in so why not do it all the time? I don’t know, but it was like the more I daydream the more I thought maybe that would/could actually happen.
The dreams I used to have were changed to be more realistic to give myself hope that this could actually happen. I enjoy adding terrible situations to my daydreams. It would make me accepting of anything bad coming my way except failure and being fully alone. Currently I might face failure and I might be destroyed because I feel lost. To try to comfort and stop myself from thinking negatively I daydream.
I would read online fictions and re-imagine myself in the story, same with movies except if a daring part in the movie would take place, it would freak me out to the point I’d have to pause the movie for a while to calm myself down because doing what happened in the movie I’d be so embarrassed. I don’t know what is this, but it would raise a very weird feeling in me that scared me.
Few months ago (I’m a Senior now) I found myself dreaming 24/7 and it was out of control. I don’t know how long it went on because it made me lose sense of time. It was affecting my whole life. I would never remember the stuff I blocked out even if I had no intention of blocking out. if someone was talking to me, I would just find it impossible to concentrate. If someone would ask me to do something I’d just nod but in reality I had no idea what they told me, my brain refused to register anything during that period. It was really bad that I googled to see if it is and actual thing and came to the conclusion that it is Maladaptive Dreaming… Or it might be. I never read about it till this day. I realised that I don’t want to stop dreaming, I want it to be under my control, but never to stop.
I do know its becoming an unhealthy obsession, but not like smoking. It wont ruin my organs. I wont strut around smelling bad. I believe that the dreams made me smarter. I do wish for it to stop one day, just not now.
All I want to do is to put it under my control. I don’t want to laugh or be sad irl at something I made up in my dream. I want to put my emotions in control.