31/12 /15 rain
Around 9th grade I started noticing how a lot of people my age are passing away. Car accidents were really popular around that time and the people who passed away were fortunately just faces to me. I didn’t know any of them but I could have. They were friends of my friends and couldve easily been mine’s too if I was more social. I didn’t want to make a lot of friends. I was scared if I had a lot of friends I’d lose them to death. So I avoided it.
I think it was around 12th grade that i thought the way I’m thinking is completely irrational and that people die anyway I shouldn’t let this stop me from making friends. I’m now in college and one of the first people I get close too is super sick. I feel like this is a way fate is punishing me in. Its weird that I feel guilty – like I’m the reason his life might end. He didn’t discover disease until we started getting close. Is this possible? That I could be the cause.. I mean I know deep down that this makes no sense but its a feeling that has been bugging me and I needed to let it out.
I always believed that life had an algorithm it goes by and people just have to cope with the situations until it ends so maybe his disease isn’t a part of my life? Its his to face and too me its just a situation where I show if I’m a worthy friend. I used to think of myself as a weak person because I couldn’t stand up for my friends but lately I’ve changed a lot. Maybe my role here is to prove myself as a good friend. Stand up next to a friend who needs support. I cant really provide much except support it just feels like I should be able to do more because I see him almost daily. I’m not as involved as it feels.
Ever stopped and wondered about what people thought of you when they first met you? I always was under the impression that people didn’t think much of me. I’m just this quiet tiny girl sitting there with nothing to say to join in on the subject being discussed. Even-though there are a 1000 though crossing my mind, I struggle to find something to say. I might have a lot going in my tiny head, but there are like 0 thoughts that are related to whats happening around me – I’m always lost in thought. Due to my zoned out nature, its hard to consider that people see me as an interesting person.
Since I started college, I realised that people see more to me than I think I offer. There is no complaining that they still see the quiet girl, its just that apparently I give of a mysterious vibe. I’m impressed, you know. I didn’t even need to use a smoke device and wear black shades to appear mysterious. Something about me spiked some of my new friends’ interest. Just today I was told by a new guy friend that since the first day he saw me I captured his attention despite being quiet, he felt like there is something about me he needs to discover – which by the way he still hasn’t figured out what it is. He isn’t the only person that admitted to me that they thought that I seemed interesting even if I look rather unsocial. I think he was the one who inspired me to write this now because he’s literally 180 degrees different than me. He’s loud, confident, has his life together – basically he has a life while I feel like mine has been invaded by the forced drama. Earlier today I was thinking about how this person probably thinks I’m annoying which proved to be wrong as he texted me when we got home. Its just that I felt like I’m treating him like my old friends so I might have been “overly friendly” or “clingy”.
As much as I am happy to discover that I appeal interesting to some people, I’m super scared. I don’t like losing people and I tend to hang on to the memories they left me with which keeps me up at nights thinking why did they have to leave my life considering whatever situation it is that we passed through that made us part paths. I don’t feel like that any new friend I’m making will last for some reason. I’m pretty sure they’re not as paranoid as I am about this subject as I think I managed to show them that I’m a stable ground to them? They’ve mentioned it every once in a while that I’m a really good friend and don’t get me wrong they are good friends too its just that I think I’m comparing the level of comfort I have with my old friends whom I consider closer than family and the level of comfort I have with friends I’ve known for like what? A month? I Think I’ll just have to deal with this on my own since the problem lies within the irrational tangles of my brain.
It feels like little by little the control I have over my life is being stripped away and its not like I have much control over it any ways, but it does matter to me. I barely have a lead on anything thats going on with my life but I thought at least I can enjoy the little things that make me happy. Like rain. It rarely rains in Egypt so I would soak in it in the few days it rains over here and now he wants to take that away from me too? I’m getting bottled up and I have no idea how I’ll explode this time. One thing I know for sure is that my explosion would do only worse for me and it wont affect any one else. I thought starting college will give me my own life but it didn’t. It just takes up hours of my day, nothing more. My life is still under the invasion of my family and I have no idea if I’ll ever be free from this but I’d like to think positively of my future… Its whats keeping me breathing.
Even though I’ve already started college I cant stop my day dreams of me being a different person in college. Its not like I can easily change the real me to fit the cookie cutter of the person I made in my head.
I’m not sure how I’ll survive college. The only thing I used to be good at is drawing – its what made me unique. Now I’m thrown in with a bunch of other potential artists so that makes me not interesting at all. If anything, I’m less. They all have trophies to remind them of the things they’ve done while I’m just sitting there realised that I’ve pretty much done nothing in my life. I can’t even change that because my only talent was art which I know that I’m not so good at and I accept this, I just hate how much of a no-lifer I am.
You know what I would like for to happen? If this blog became famous. When I first started this blog I wanted to be like Xiaxue; I know that its like aiming for the stars, but this blog was a part of my day dreams. I’m not sure if I can make this blog big, but I enjoy blogging so I’ll keep going and see where this will go.
Wednesday, Sept. 30: A farewell coffee date. Take some time to breath, sip a warm drink, and share with your new blogging buddies. If you’d like a prompt: how did the Blog-tember Challenge go for you? Any surprises? What was your favorite prompt, or what would you like to see included next time?
*Lets out a huge sigh* I’m done with my first blogging challenge! I’m surprised that I went through it even though I skipped 2 days. I get bored fast so I expected myself to end this challenge like halfway through the month, but I didn’t which makes me happy even if I joined some posts together (^^”,) I’m really pleased with myself for finding this challenge (found it on my birthday – birthday miracle? Hmm), it helped me gain a lot of followers and find awesome blogs to since I like stalking who ever likes my blogs @.@ My favourite prompt probably when I blogged about my day which happened to be on my first day of college so that was pretty fun! Its sad that September is over, is it just me or does September always passes by so fast?
Now that I’m done with the challenge I’ve got some photography posts to share, maybe tomorrow? Also I got a lot in my mind that I’d like to share, ooh and college essentials too! Just finished my 2nd day and already I have must haves. I’m really scared of what this year holds for me though. I mean I can’t really predict whats going to happen or how it would go – talking about predictions, I met a guy who is so into magic and not just “magic tricks” like the real deal. According to what he said, he did hurt a few people and help out others. I don’t completely believe it but I don’t think he’s lying either. It doesn’t hurt me either way I just find it interesting however he did try to predict my future which I believe is complete BS tbh. I believe that only God knows what the future holds and magic can’t help us know this even if you summon a demon. I mean a demon’s power cant really compare with god’s powers and if a demon can see in the future then it can do anything which isn’t true. I believe that humans are stronger than demons, if they hide themselves then were definitely stronger. I read one time about how we shouldn’t close our eyes when were scared because our brain will portray it scarier than reality, after all our imagination can get scary and it could exaggerate on things so by not being able too see what they look like, it makes us scared of what might it be. I highly doubt if we’d be scared of them if we saw them like we see everything else.
Thats all I got for today, I gotta go draw stuff for college >.<
Monday Sept. 28: A day in the life. Take us through it with you.”
Bonjour! So today was the first day of college and boy, was it tiring. Mainly because I didn’t sleep at night – had a fight with the mother and kept thinking about ot all night >.< gotta say though, it feels good when they call later saying that you were right XD
Anyway lets get started,
The dad driving me
For the outfit I wore my favourite colour, blue along with white. I don’t want to say that white is a favourite colour of mine since I’m attending art school and “white is not a colour, its a shade” so yea, this white thing, I like it XD
For makeup I think the most important thing is the face makeup? Like if you put eyeshadow and stuff I’d feel like its too much since I barely use eyeshadow when I’m hanging out and eyeliner is just setting people’s expections of me to high. I’d rather if people have low expactations of me so then I can surprise with them with the least things (really helps if you’re lazy).
I did the most stupidest thing today but I’m not even madd. I looked at the Sunday’s schedule instead of Monday and was so confused when I found my class emty. I was like wooow its just the first day and already class is cancelled? I have to be honest though, at that time I couldn’t help but think about how unorganised this college is then my friend came over and told me today is Monday XDDD
Oh my god I’m so stupid. Already first day and I managed to skip a class since my friend pointed my mistake after an hour and half had already passed. But its only rigjt for me to skip on my first day of college since I skipped in KG1 – first day of school, its kinda like an education ritual for me XD I literally just didn’t want to go back to class after the break so I just got into one of those human size playground worm things and slept, only to be discovered by the cleaners later and returned to my class. I was 5 years old I think? You cant expect any different from a 19 year old mee!
Going to the buses ~
Walking home after bus drops me off.
Since I hadnt slept the night before, I just took a quick shower and went to bed.
That’s it for my day, I have a full day tomorrow so I just hope I get to sleep again to I can go through the day. I slept in my last lecture today due to how tired I was >.<