Surrounded but Alone

I don’t talk much about myself. That’s why when I get the chance, I don’t like to let it pass by fast, because if I do allow it then people would have the idea that my life is perfect and I don’t someone by my side. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy but I want them to know that when I don’t call or check in with them, it’s not because i have forgotten about them – it’s because i need space. I can’t be the one you come to vent too all the time while I have no way to vent. That’s pretty understandable I think, but I have a feeling a lot of the people I know don’t get this. When I start talking they just end up changing the subject. I’m not sure why, is it because they’re not used to hearing me complain or is it because they don’t really get that sometimes I need to talk? I know that if I ever ask any of them to listen to me they will in a heartbeat but I’m not one to ask people for that.

One thing I especially hate in myself is that I’m not a responsible person. I can’t deal with situations alone. I’m always in need of someone. I blame this on my anxiety, but its a part of me that I cant get rid off of. No matter how nice the person is, they’re not gonna care about me more than I care. I really wish I had someone who cared enough to call me to check in, but who am I kidding? When people are used to coming to you for help or to hear whatever it is that’s troubling them, they don’t expect you to have problems of your own. It’s like being an uncertified and an unpaid psychiatrist. I mean dont get me wrong, I’m happy these people find comfort in me however, a simple “how have you been?” or “how is your life going?” would be nice to hear.

 

Koi fish painting

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(First picture is w/o flash and the second is w/flash)

According to a Japanese Legend, if a koi is able to swim up the falls at a point called Dragon Gate on the Yellow River, it would be transformed into a dragon. That being said, it wasn’t what inspired me to paint this. My best friend is currently in China and played with the koi fish there. He was so proud of touching the fish it was adorable so I decided to save this memory in a painting.

I planned to give it to him when he’s back but he’s going to be away for 6 more weeks and he wasn’t feeling so well, so this picture came at the right time xD he was so happy with it – one of the cutest moments i experienced in life tbh. He decided that we are the fish and that I’m the one behind, because I’m always looking after him (hes such a beautiful creature, right?). Originally I wanted him to be the one on the back because I’m more satisfied with how it looks, but his reasoning was better. I’m so grateful to have this koi dragon human in my life❤

The Fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm is terrible, but they never found that a sufficient reason for remaining ashore” – Vincent Van Gogh

-Panda/Deww

Beach Please

I could start every blog post from now on with how its long over due and blame it on college which isn’t true because I’m a procrastinator, meaning that I had multiple occasions where I could have updated this goddamn blog but chose admire my bedroom’s ceiling instead. Seriously though, I’ve wasted so much time this year just laying in bed and enjoying the beauty of my ceilling while day dreaming about me having a life. Which I do have a life I just choose to ignore it and lie in bed. Beds are addicting, I gotta tell you that.

Moving onn. I think it was after our midterms when Alice and I decided to go to Sukhna (Egypt) for a day with friends. It was a really good and needed day in my life. We got to rest … While making fun of our professors by the beach. sighhh

 

The amount spent fishing that day was ridiculous; close to 9 hours maybe ? Oh god I don’t even want to count. Kinda glad I don’t fish. It was another friend who supposedly fishes all the time. He ended up catching a pathetic looking fish – no discrimination against any fish though😄 It was so embarrassing, I mean I wouldn’t have been surprised if we would have fished a “it’s not me, its you” note from the ocean. We tried all typed of baits available and it was obvious the ocean hated us. At least I learned how to open shells.

We collected a lot of cute looking shells and rocks that come to think of it now – our friend took them home and we haven’t seen them since😐 along the way, we found a tiny crab (?) that we named Shelldon and gave him an empty shell as gf in order to trick him into poking outside of his shell.

 

-Panda/Deww

Busy (Warning: Extreme Rant)

I know i haven’t uploaded much at all. Im not quite good at sharing my feelings most of the time, but this time its okay to say i should blow some steam.

Going into uni has changed some stuff. Its a big place and lots of effort is to be put in, and this effort takes time. People, more importantly friends, have been getting caught up in their own schedules.

Being sort of sentimental and not very welcome of change , ive tried to pretend om not very bothered by it. But sometimes i feel sort of forgotten. Left out of cliques and outing and its supposed to be a new start to getting new friends. People don’t really welcome people in much to their little cirlces , they are usually just engaged on an academic level but not very much socially.

I decided that i need to talk more and try, despite that it failed. Very little success at expanding the pool of people to be even aquainted with.

That sends me a feeling that i either depend too much on people or that ive just got to give up trying .

I dont really feel that close to the people im close with, i feel like im going to be left behind sooner or later. Everyone moves on. Everyone seems to have stuff that theyre engaged in. I even started to think back to sometimes when i lost close friends, how different would it be to not have left them or how it wouldve been if we’d stayed friends.

Its really haunting the feeling that you always care more than others. That its back to small talk and not much else. It hurts to feel like you’ve been forgotten and that you really are only remembered on convinience.

Being alone and lonely differ.Its not pretty being the latter, but its even worse when youre surrounded by people and no one even looks.
I don’t like to expect things from people, or about anything. Feeling like a burden when they think they should talk and keep up is a drag. I just hope i can invest into something that would turn this around or try atleast.

Thank you, if you’ve even made it down here. Have a cookie.

-K (Alice, Cookie)

The Price

 

31/12 /15 rain


 Around 9th grade I started noticing how a lot of people my age are passing away. Car accidents were really popular around that time and the people who passed away were fortunately just faces to me. I didn’t know any of them but I could have. They were friends of my friends and couldve easily been mine’s too if I was more social. I didn’t want to make a lot of friends. I was scared if I had a lot of friends I’d lose them to death. So I avoided it. 

I think it was around 12th grade that i thought the way I’m thinking is completely irrational and that people die anyway I shouldn’t let this stop me from making friends. I’m now in college and one of the first people I get close too is super sick. I feel like this is a way fate is punishing me in. Its weird that I feel guilty – like I’m the reason his life might end. He didn’t discover disease until we started getting close. Is this possible? That I could be the cause.. I mean I know deep down that this makes no sense but its a feeling that has been bugging me and I needed to let it out. 

I always believed that life had an algorithm it goes by and people just have to cope with the situations until it ends so maybe his disease isn’t a part of my life? Its his to face and too me its just a situation where I show if I’m a worthy friend. I used to think of myself as a weak person because I couldn’t stand up for my friends but lately I’ve changed a lot. Maybe my role here is to prove myself as a good friend. Stand up next to a friend who needs support. I cant really provide much except support it just feels like I should be able to do more because I see him almost daily. I’m not as involved as it feels.