EmoBrain

Today started of as a pretty good day, but my emo brain wont let me have fun -.- kept wanting to listen to sad songs.

Went out today to visit le granny, good, right? Also haven’t seen dad in a week due to exams. I was still sick this morning, but I had a feeling that father felt that I was faking sickness (emobrain strike#1). He ignored me the whole day, tried to reason myself that my he cant hear me because my voice is very low due to my sore throat.

During the car ride he kept taking glances at me or maybe my brother – they’re in a good relation – anyway, I kept feeling that he’s thinking that he just doesnt want me with them, like I was the odd one out (emobrain strike#2).

At granny’s house, during lunch, he usually offers me some salad, however this time he didn’t, he generally asked if any one wants salad and stole a glance at me. I felt invisible, like not even there. We usually had a fight that he forces food in my plate telling me I have to eat more to be healthy. So this wasn’t a strike from emobrain, it was pretty clear he was ignoring me but I tried not to think much of it, maybe he’s just mad that he didn’t see me all week? Before that we were pretty cool and went out a lot and it was the time I offered I’d live with him. Later we were sitting in the salon, he wouldn’t even ask me anything or talk to me. He would ask me to make tea for him and part a fruit with me, nope… Nothing happened so I sat far and started texting friends. Argued with myself that its his first cup of tea which Nana usually does for him. We staid until six so he couldn’t have had just one cup so I kinda felt like he forgot of my existence or maybe he was trying to forget of my existence (emobrain strike#3). I started feeling a bit teary so I texted mother she tried to assure me that it’ll pass and tried to cheer me up which worked pretty good.

On our ride back, emobrain wont let listen to any cheerful songs, played all sad and heartbreaking songs I had until I felt like I wanted to jump out of the car window and die (emobrain strike#4). He asked Dodo (brother) if he wants to go have dinner with him or take a walk, when my brother denied I totally expected him to ask me to go for a walk with him, I waited and waited until I realised its too late for him to ask or me to offer, the subject was already closed.

At home a few minutes ago, he called and said he doesn’t care about me or my sister and the money he gives us every month, he’s going to expect something back as a repayment. What if we don’t repay? He’s going to take some of the money back. Also he’s going to write on a paper so he nor us would forget about it. He also mentioned that he doesn’t care if we have exams -.- fml.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to disown sissy and me. He told about how he thought of doing it with my sister and how he thought she was the result of all the situations were in, so if he thinks of her that way then why not me also? Even if she was the person who put us in a situation like that, it could be a repayment of what he did with mum during the beginning of they’re marriage and how he treated sissy.

Me? He has reasons to not want mee! I’m not good as a daughter nor at school. I think animals are better at acting like family than I am. I was always daddy’s girl. Suddenly I decided to leave him all alone, staid months away from him and I’m still away. He would tell how much he trusts me and I’m the only person he talks to but idk what happens. Every time we get close, it get destroyed in a minute. Not even sure if I’m making sense but idk whats happening.

I created this world inside my head where my mother is around and happy and my father is proud of me. I’m good at school and working but away from my family. Maybe one day I’ll travel far and start new again.

-Panda

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I GOT AN A :D

I GOT AN A IN ART was super surprised, didn’t expect an A at all. The teacher would scream at me every single lesson telling me I’ll fail (me and 2 other girls). Now lets see who will fail -.-

At first I was day dreaming about getting an A, but knew it was impossible for someone like me to get A. Also the teacher’s shouting got to me! I mean everything day, she would tell me I’ll fail if I keep working in the speed rate I’m doing; had to get in my head somehow and it didn’t help that I knew I’m slow.

I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE SAY ART IS EASY!! its not easy, okay? Even if it sounds easy, its def not! I like and can draw so I expected it to be easy. Here is why its not easy:
1. You are forced to draw.
2. You don’t have much option on what to draw.
3. Must do good in art and design to get good overall grade.
4. Depends on what the examiner thinks of it. Art is pretty hard to grade, everyone has their own sense of art.

I did not like design even though I did good in the exam, maybe better that art! However, I did not like the subject and you have to take it and ged good grading. For example, if I had gotten an A in art and a C in design – my overall mark would be a C (thats what the teachers said).

Today I was super sick! I was good when I woke up. During school I felt my head getting heavy and body is tired and runny nose. When principle came, I got in the crowd to see my grade. During the fight of reaching the papers to see my grade, I started feeling a bit better and almost fainted when I discovered I got an A. Fell on the chair and started fanning myself then got jumped by friends to ask how I did. Now its 11:37am and feeling tired again and cant find medicine so I’m near zombie mode.
Thats all, buh bye diary!

Awesome day+ fight

Today’s exam was pretty easy surprisingly and the supervisor aloud us to cheat wtf. So most probably a good mark.

It was planned that we’d go over at a friends house (Hoda) after the exam. The girl was okay with us coming in the morning. I specifically told her that Menna, Aya, Lina and I are coming. She joked about how her room might not be able to fit us all, but seemed like she didn’t mind, she even stated cooking and watching a movie after lunch.

After the exam she asked me if I had invited Lina and I said yes she got mad and said that not everyone should be invited even though salma who is the one who came up with the idea said to invite everyone. She just said something which was pretty offending because it meant that the four of us are not welcomed and she doesn’t even know Lina very good and left. At that time I couldn’t register what she said, we’ve known each other for FIVE years! Now not welcome? WTH. I talked with Menna about it then Aya caught up and I told her what happened. We were pretty angry at how she acted and also because everyone was going at her house just to meet with Salma and Yara. We then told Lina and she got mad too. I told Huda that were not coming and instead of her trying to tell me that its okay and we should come (even though we wouldn’t have accepted) or apologise for the way she talked to me she just told me “okay” and I swear I could see her eyes smile -.-

We decided that we’d forget about this and continue with our own day, its not like she’ll stop our fun or happiness. Suddenly she called me and told me that I didn’t tell her that Aya and Lina are coming, I was somehow called a liar but she’s the one who’s OBVIOUSLY lying, how did she know Lina and Aya were invited then? I left her and sat back with my friends and laughed like nothing happened. A girl asked what happened and Aya told her, and said that what Huda did was very ill-mannered of her. After awhile Huda came shouting at Aya telling her to get up and how could she say that she’s a bitch, they got the girl and cleared up that Aya didn’t say that and that she’s making up stuff (another lie and she dares calls me a liar). We also told her that we don’t want to go to her house whatsoever, its not like its something sacred wtf. I swear this girl is. Even more bipolar than me! She then said that if we want to come we could, like hell she finally sees that she’s wrongg! But let’s see, weren’t we unwelcome few minutes ago? Now you remember that were old friends and that’s okayy? She even said that not everyone that shows up at her door will let them in, are we’ll like thieves or somethingg?

Anyway, we ended up going out and had more fun that she’d ever had, just caused everyone to get upset and mad at her then teared a bit in the end to make it as if she’s as how Alice put it up “underdog”. Other girls were forced to go to her house because of their parents but didn’t even have fun. We on the other hand, ate at pizza hut and met friends while walking around. We def walked a lot! I can feel my leg muscles aching even though I’m laying in bed. Speaking of bed, I must go to sleep, its 3:25am.

This sums up my awesome day that I thought was gonna get ruined. Now good nightt!

-Panda

D: and :D

Had 2 tests today!
Did really well on the first paper , but badly poorly on grammar on the second!
>.< Teacher was being a bleep!

Gave up on studying for the day and decided to listen to Florance +The Machine and slept on the bus on the way home from school …
_._ what a day !

On the bright side (yes there is one)
I bought a new Alice American McGees figuree

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My Alice corner!

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New poster

-Cookie/Alice

Small vs. Big

Last week while I was spending my time with mum, she suddenly said my hands are big. At first I was surprised cuz I always thought my hands are small well to be proportional to my super short height. Then last saturday when my aunt was over she out of no where commented on how small my hands are and yea my face was pretty much like this o.O I realised how sad I was when mum told me my hands are big at that moment but I was unsure why. What’s wrong with big hands?

I started seeing how most girls today are trying to be smaller? Like I’ve seen girls wanting to be shorter (they don’t really know what they’re talking about -.-) and one of my friends likes to lie about her shoe size to make it smaller, since I’ve been to her house before and we’ve tried each other’s shoes too so she couldn’t be smaller than 36-37 just the same size as me but when asked she now says 34. Gets me really pissed of when she lies and she knows that I know her real size.

My sister too likes to show off her small hands and feet, she’s 20 and her hands are slightly bigger that mine and her shoe size is 39 while others her age tend to be a bit bigger.

All this got me thinking about my friends who are obviously bigger in size like super tall. I feel like whenever the topic about sizes comes up they shy away while smaller girls talk freely and proudly but as if they’re not happy with their size but I can somehow read through it and see how they’re liking their sizes, just complaining to get attention.
When I’m at the girls bathroom usually the most thin of all would complain about “how fat” she got while she’s just plainly fishing for compliments and girls how are bigger in size would be like “oh shut up! Look at how fat I am” and honestly most of them aren’t even fat but they’re “thicker” which makes them feel fat due to skinny girls trying to fake hate their sizes. Pretty annoying I must say.

I personally am one of those smallest girls in school but due to my small size my fat cannot be seen. I only get fat from my belly and love handles which I usually find easy to hide but that doesn’t make me stop from trying to lose them. I just don’t like saying that I’m “fat” because I know I am. I do well in hiding it, but its still annoying if I just go and say I’m fat while I “look” the smallest. Wish they’d stop already. Why do girls get so annoying?!

So what I still don’t understand is why is smaller better. I know having I slim waist, thin arms and face is better, being thin is better than fat but super small in everything? Wasn’t a few years ago curvy bodies were the best? Now they’re totally shy to share their sizes with friends because they’d seem fat.

Not really sure where this is going to, but why don’t everyone just stop talking about how fat they are and instead put their selves into action and lose the weight they so much hatee.

I really want to understand why being super small is now the better thing to be? I totally felt I bit depressed when I was told my hands are big but I don’t know why. Maybe because being short and having big hands is a but un proportional? Hehe xP

-Panda