EmoBrain

Today started of as a pretty good day, but my emo brain wont let me have fun -.- kept wanting to listen to sad songs.

Went out today to visit le granny, good, right? Also haven’t seen dad in a week due to exams. I was still sick this morning, but I had a feeling that father felt that I was faking sickness (emobrain strike#1). He ignored me the whole day, tried to reason myself that my he cant hear me because my voice is very low due to my sore throat.

During the car ride he kept taking glances at me or maybe my brother – they’re in a good relation – anyway, I kept feeling that he’s thinking that he just doesnt want me with them, like I was the odd one out (emobrain strike#2).

At granny’s house, during lunch, he usually offers me some salad, however this time he didn’t, he generally asked if any one wants salad and stole a glance at me. I felt invisible, like not even there. We usually had a fight that he forces food in my plate telling me I have to eat more to be healthy. So this wasn’t a strike from emobrain, it was pretty clear he was ignoring me but I tried not to think much of it, maybe he’s just mad that he didn’t see me all week? Before that we were pretty cool and went out a lot and it was the time I offered I’d live with him. Later we were sitting in the salon, he wouldn’t even ask me anything or talk to me. He would ask me to make tea for him and part a fruit with me, nope… Nothing happened so I sat far and started texting friends. Argued with myself that its his first cup of tea which Nana usually does for him. We staid until six so he couldn’t have had just one cup so I kinda felt like he forgot of my existence or maybe he was trying to forget of my existence (emobrain strike#3). I started feeling a bit teary so I texted mother she tried to assure me that it’ll pass and tried to cheer me up which worked pretty good.

On our ride back, emobrain wont let listen to any cheerful songs, played all sad and heartbreaking songs I had until I felt like I wanted to jump out of the car window and die (emobrain strike#4). He asked Dodo (brother) if he wants to go have dinner with him or take a walk, when my brother denied I totally expected him to ask me to go for a walk with him, I waited and waited until I realised its too late for him to ask or me to offer, the subject was already closed.

At home a few minutes ago, he called and said he doesn’t care about me or my sister and the money he gives us every month, he’s going to expect something back as a repayment. What if we don’t repay? He’s going to take some of the money back. Also he’s going to write on a paper so he nor us would forget about it. He also mentioned that he doesn’t care if we have exams -.- fml.

I wouldn’t be surprised if he decided to disown sissy and me. He told about how he thought of doing it with my sister and how he thought she was the result of all the situations were in, so if he thinks of her that way then why not me also? Even if she was the person who put us in a situation like that, it could be a repayment of what he did with mum during the beginning of they’re marriage and how he treated sissy.

Me? He has reasons to not want mee! I’m not good as a daughter nor at school. I think animals are better at acting like family than I am. I was always daddy’s girl. Suddenly I decided to leave him all alone, staid months away from him and I’m still away. He would tell how much he trusts me and I’m the only person he talks to but idk what happens. Every time we get close, it get destroyed in a minute. Not even sure if I’m making sense but idk whats happening.

I created this world inside my head where my mother is around and happy and my father is proud of me. I’m good at school and working but away from my family. Maybe one day I’ll travel far and start new again.

-Panda

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