First of all, WOW. I never thought I was capable of helping anyone. I’m not sure if I succeeded, but I tried. The guy is blinded by hate and how disgusting some people are. I was the same last year or the year before I don’t even remember. I also don’t want too. Why would I want to remember the time where I thought life was worthless.
Back to the guy. I thought I was helping him, but it wasn’t just that, I was helping myself too. There is this video Bubzbeauty did – I think its called “what I would tell my teenage self” – where she says that we wont be able to love our selves unless we love other people. Its actually pretty true, after I watched it I couldn’t help but think, why do I hate myself. The list kept going non stop. Then I thought maybe because I don’t love other people they way I should. I went through a stage of which I would call “observation stage” where I would look at random people around think “they too have crap happening in their lives, maybe its even more than what I’ve been through”. Note that this was AFTER my “depression stage” which is the time I hated everything, but they came after each other, no gaps in between. The observation stage helped me understand that I wasn’t the only that had crap going in her life. I have to respect other people and not feel like they live in Neverland and I’m here on Earth where there isn’t happily ever after. It opened my mind and cleaned a bit of the thick layer of dirt covering the lenses I’m using to look at life.
“Thankful stage” came shortly afterwards. I starting seeing the littlest things in life and thanking the heavens for each single one of ’em. I think this is a very important stage that should happen to everyone. It made me alerted to every good thing happening in my life. I started thinking if how at some day I didn’t notice this. Every bad thing that happened to me would be reverted in my brain (of course after crying) and would be thought of it as good. Like if I fought with my friend for example, after a while of being sad I’d become thankful. Maybe if we continued in our friendship something bad would’ve happened or she would be a bad influence on me. I found million reasons to be thankful. However, I still disliked people. I still didn’t hate them like before, but I disliked them. I disliked people who haven’t been or aren’t in the observation or thankful stage.
This guy whom I think I might have helped haven’t been to either stages. His lenses is fully dirty. His brain is totally polluted. Also at first he was refusing to clean his lenses but he opened up a bit. He hates people but he doesn’t know it. He thinks his lenses are clean. I’m not sure if his of mines are dirtier, or who has higher self esteem – self esteem, this is something important. Whenever we talked about anything he’d think its very important to explain himself so no one would mistake him for someone he’s not or to be understood. I felt like I didn’t need to explain myself because who cares?
At the same time I was talking to him, I was chatting with Alice too. I was talking about how I might become a psychiatrist and he becomes my patient but because my grades are low I cant take this professionally so I shall take him as my first ever patient and help him see the world that haven’t seen yet. LOL. I need have a name for my first patient like “project gorilla” or something… Maybe I should think of something cooler so if he ever finds this blog he wont be offended that I called him gorilla. Hmmm what about “project zombie” I think I like it. He’ll become my zombie. Its settled, that’s his namee.
About Bubzbeauty’s words, “in order to love yourself, you must first love other people”. I personally don’t think I achieved it yet, but I’ll def be trying to so I can become a better person and make people around me proud. I think I’m like 30-45% done? I cant be sure now since I just had that talk so everything seems cheery and bright after trying to help someone. I really hope I helped him.
I shall go sleep now its already 4:30am! I staid up late even though I was dying to sleep just for project zombie. Hard work ftw. Goodnight! (>.~)
Project Zombie: he said he needed time alone. He seems to be getting quite and understandment of what I taught him today. Note to self: bring him treats next time.