People get shocked when I tell them I don’t read. Here’s the thing, I dislike reading – stories to be exact. I can never get past the first page in a story, my mind just drifts to other stuff so I lose focus. You know how people say they love reading because you create this movie in your head? Well…
Dear Readers, I have a more awesome imagination than you. Love, Me
I of course could not have came up with Harry Potter in a million years, but I do create some awesome stories in my head by stealing the idea or even a dialogue from the story I was planning on reading. I never finish a story, maybe an online story that is still not completed, yes. Some people just don’t read because its “boring”, but for me, its because I have to focus. I can’t focus, even in movies, but its easier to catch up in movies than in stories. Plus, I love pictures! The colours, the people, it just attracts me, but words? Yeaaa… not so much, nah ~ XD
Why do I find it hard to read? It’s not just my imagination, my brain sends me into torture when I’m trying to concentrate. It’s kinda like I’m a human robot. My eyes scanning my surrounding and all my other senses are at work – and my brain is taking all of this stuff up and is thinking about them while another part of my brain is thinking about something else like, “Oooh, thats a nicely printed ‘a”” or “I’d love to jump in the pool right now” and I can never focus on just one thing. Its something I’m born with so I thought it was normal to be that way and I’m just stupid because I can’t focus. Just recently I was talking with Alice about it and she said it happens to her, but its not ALL the time. I tried to talk to another one of my bestie and he said it happens it but it isnt bad, he can live. You know who’s unlucky? Me -.- because after 16 – almost 17 years of being that way, I can’t handle it anymore. It gets so bad that I imagine myself hitting/stabbing myself, almost like I’m trying to kill this memory or kill my self out of the situation. No, it doesn’t stop there, my brain aches and my body starts to shiver then I feel like I want to cry but I hold it in (not a crybaby here). It takes a while to get out of it, but its pretty painful. You know how bullying works? A person bullies a another person to make them suffer (no, I’m not sure if their full intentions is to make them suffer). Lets pretend there is a guy called Dave bullying a guy named Kevin, Kevin hates his life because Dave is making him feel disgusting about himself. Dave and Kevin are both my brain. I’m getting bullied by my mind, FML? Lets just thank god its not by “-A” (PLL fans?)
My friend told me to contact a therapist to help me out, I probably will. I just don’t know how to explain it to Le Mum. I’m not really good about talking especially when it comes to what I’m feeling. I just need a little push to help me into talking. Gah! I’ve been living with this my whole life as I mentioned before, I think I can try to do it a little bit more. Actually I can’t. Its affecting everything in my life now, socially and studying. I’m not sure what this is called, so i cant really google it and have a bit of knowledge on what I have so when I try to explain what is happening to me, I will know a bit of the words I say.
I think I got a bit off topic, so back to daydreaming. I remember the day I started extra-hating my self/life. I was in school (could’ve guessed that, right), on the swings during a break. I started listening to music and decided what would happen if I imagined how my life would go, of course adding a
little bit lot of improvements to myself, I would be smart, I would be able to sing and stuff that we humans like. That day I never thought it would do me any harm, but it actually does. Whenever something bad happens either in real life or a movie or even a story, my anxiety rises to the red mark and I’d just stop reading or pause the movie or block real life out and would go to this world I have created.
Being able to get through a movie with my half-concentration system is easier than reading. Reading is not as interesting for me. I can get through blogs, but stories I cant do. I lose my concentration on it because I’m reading + imagining the scene I’m reading + thinking of something else is pretty hard for my brain. Reading is not for me.
Now I have to go back to sleep because its already 5am and I haven’t slept all night due to my insomnia these days, I get to sleep a few a hours and I think I’m kinda feeling sleep coming. Goodnight or Good morning to who is reading this ^_^