Whats your existential fear. 

 Its weird how I got the idea of this from a silly online Disney quiz. The question was “Whats your existential fear?”. My answer was “to make a difference”. How will I be remembered if I die now? The answer is I wouldn’t be remembered for anything. I’ll just cause people pain for my loss, which is better than nothing tbh, but will they say “She was a good person.”, “I never heard her talk about about people” and “She was so selfless” – the shitt we hear being said about whoever is dead. At least I have people around me and I wont just die on the couch only to be found by the stench of my corpse. 

 I want to do something for the world before I die, I don’t want to be just another human to walk on this planet; I want to be someone. And yet, I cant pass school. 

 I used to think that I made a difference to my family and that was definitely enough for me, but I never thought I’d have to die in order for them to realise. I thought on of us [my siblings and I] got sick they’d just wake up from the pain they’re causing us, but that proved to be way wrong… Man was I wrong. I got asthma and turns out my heart muscles are to weak and that never stopped him. Hell I staid in bed for over a weak barely able to wake up and he didn’t even care enough to pick up his phone and call me, didn’t even ask my sister about me and he did know I was super sick. My sister has a huge thing with her health and needs to run a lot of blood tests and heart scan and all he cares about is that he paid money for her gym membership and she didn’t go yet. 

 I don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to die yet, I need to make a difference first. Something big to mend those empty pieces in my life. However, I need to end the misery I’m living first and it doesn’t seem like it will ever end. I know it wont. Its like I’m living in an endless spiral. 

 I do believe that good things happen, but it seems too far from me. I’m physically a short person and apparently short in everything else. 

 I’m just goin to exit this world like I never came. Most probably I wont be judged – I wont have anything to be judged upon. I’m not a bad person, I’ve done good things. I’m not a good person either, I’ve done bad things. I don’t know what I am. Maybe I’m like those corals in the sea. Since they naturally exist, we need them, though when we go swimming we tend to avoid them. 

 I met someone who’s a lot like me but with a huge difference. His existence makes a difference. He’s capable of doing change. He used to be a bad person and accepted this and now is on the road to become better. Maybe this is why he’s not feeling like how I feel, the difference is his life gives him chances/opportunities and mine doesn’t. Good stuff happen, but not to me. This is why I day dream. In my dreams, my life isn’t that different actually however it allows me chances to make a difference. 

 I’m not an ungrateful person. I have a really good mum that I can’t live without and the best friends ever but my life is still meaningless. What I want to do is give my life a definition before I die. 

 
-Panda/Deww 

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One thought on “Whats your existential fear. 

  1. Pingback: Alice’s 18th Birthday + Picture of us | Alice & Dew

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