Heroin Addiction ✧

IMG_1571[1]Today I started watching this show about drug addiction, a lot of Egyptians probably have finished watching it already. Its called Taht ElSaytara (Under Control). I couldn’t help but see myself in the lead actress, we share a lot of traits with a few small but at the same time major differences. We both overthink everything, we’re not good with confrontations, we’re both stuck in lives we can’t control and we fear losing control of our lives, we fear a lot of stuff, especially lonelliness but we’re both strong. We chose different passes to deal with our lives and this is due to our different traits. I have anxiety disorder. My anxiety controls me, it makes me think of the unthinkable. I think about something before it happens, its results and consequences; its usually just delusions and nothing ever happens, but I still worry about it until I feel like my body is struggling from addiction. Surprisingly, my anxiety saves me from narcotics. The lead character dove intro narcotics to escape “now”, but escaping isn’t forever and I want something forever however this is called death and I don’t want to die. I have a lot of dreams and I wont rest until I make at least one of those dreams come true. My method of escaping consists of dreaming, either asleep or awake. While still watching this series I thought maybe that evil faux friend haven’t tripped me yet, but will get to do so in the future and I’d fall. As if the computer heard me and and decided to reply me, a sentence was said, “… Some people just never think of it.”. Even though this laptop I’m using isn’t mine, but it definitely is a damn good friend – it answered my question if I’ll ever fall. I won’t. I never thought about drugs or even alcohol for that matter. I hate being controlled and I’m not one of those stupid people who just doesn’t believe that these substances can’t control me. They’re not a living thing, this doesn’t mean its weaker than humans. If medicines can heal our bodies then narcotics can destroy us. The only control we have over it is to take its pass or not. I hate losing control of myself, it scares me beyond anyone could begin to understand. The character just wanted to lose control at the moment, she didn’t have anxiety to make her worry about the aftermath, she just wanted to stop thinking for a while and she thought that this break would help. It doesn’t, never does. When I started it hookah, it wasn’t because I was just going with the flow. I had researched it before and when the chance came, I tried it and liked it. Its not as addicting as cigarettes so I knew I was safe. So its not that I just “realised” what I’m doing, I knew exactly what I was doing. When I found that I’ve taken I liking to it, the option of vaping appeared to me. I should order one soon as I’ve saved up its money. I thought that I’ve already got people in my life hurting me and unfortunately for me I can’t just rid myself of them so I can’t be hurting myself too. One day I’ll leave this life and I need myself to be ready for this not broken to pieces. I don’t want an escape, I want a solution so I wont have to deal with this shit anymore. -Panda/Deww

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