Paranoid?

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Ever stopped and wondered about what people thought of you when they first met you? I always was under the impression that people didn’t think much of me. I’m just this quiet tiny girl sitting there with nothing to say to join in on the subject being discussed. Even-though there are a 1000 though crossing my mind, I struggle to find something to say. I might have a lot going in my tiny head, but there are like 0 thoughts that are related to whats happening around me – I’m always lost in thought. Due to my zoned out nature, its hard to consider that people see me as an interesting person.

Since I started college, I realised that people see more to me than I think I offer. There is no complaining that they still see the quiet girl, its just that apparently I give of a mysterious vibe. I’m impressed, you know. I didn’t even need to use a smoke device and wear black shades to appear mysterious. Something about me spiked some of my new friends’ interest. Just today I was told by a new guy friend that since the first day he saw me I captured his attention despite being quiet, he felt like there is something about me he needs to discover – which by the way he still hasn’t figured out what it is. He isn’t the only person that admitted to me that they thought that I seemed interesting even if I look rather unsocial. I think he was the one who inspired me to write this now because he’s literally 180 degrees different than me. He’s loud, confident, has his life together – basically he has a life while I feel like mine has been invaded by the forced drama. Earlier today I was thinking about how this person probably thinks I’m annoying which proved to be wrong as he texted me when we got home. Its just that I felt like I’m treating him like my old friends so I might have been “overly friendly” or “clingy”.

As much as I am happy to discover that I appeal interesting to some people, I’m super scared. I don’t like losing people and I tend to hang on to the memories they left me with which keeps me up at nights thinking why did they have to leave my life considering whatever situation it is that we passed through that made us part paths. I don’t feel like that any new friend I’m making will last for some reason. I’m pretty sure they’re not as paranoid as I am about this subject as I think I managed to show them that I’m a stable ground to them? They’ve mentioned it every once in a while that I’m a really good friend and don’t get me wrong they are good friends too its just that I think I’m comparing the level of comfort I have with my old friends whom I consider closer than family and the level of comfort I have with friends I’ve known for like what? A month? I Think I’ll just have to deal with this on my own since the problem lies within the irrational tangles of my brain.


-Panda/Deww

Vanishing Freedom

It feels like little by little the control I have over my life is being stripped away and its not like I have much control over it any ways, but it does matter to me. I barely have a lead on anything thats going on with my life but I thought at least I can enjoy the little things that make me happy. Like rain. It rarely rains in Egypt so I would soak in it in the few days it rains over here and now he wants to take that away from me too? I’m getting bottled up and I have no idea how I’ll explode this time. One thing I know for sure is that my explosion would do only worse for me and it wont affect any one else. I thought starting college will give me my own life but it didn’t. It just takes up hours of my day, nothing more. My life is still under the invasion of my family and I have no idea if I’ll ever be free from this but I’d like to think positively of my future… Its whats keeping me breathing.

Even though I’ve already started college I cant stop my day dreams of me being a different person in college. Its not like I can easily change the real me to fit the cookie cutter of the person I made in my head.

I’m not sure how I’ll survive college. The only thing I used to be good at is drawing – its what made me unique. Now I’m thrown in with a bunch of other potential artists so that makes me not interesting at all. If anything, I’m less. They all have trophies to remind them of the things they’ve done while I’m just sitting there realised that I’ve pretty much done nothing in my life. I can’t even change that because my only talent was art which I know that I’m not so good at and I accept this, I just hate how much of a no-lifer I am.

You know what I would like for to happen? If this blog became famous. When I first started this blog I wanted to be like Xiaxue; I know that its like aiming for the stars, but this blog was a part of my day dreams. I’m not sure if I can make this blog big, but I enjoy blogging so I’ll keep going and see where this will go.
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-Panda/Deww