The Price

 

31/12 /15 rain


 Around 9th grade I started noticing how a lot of people my age are passing away. Car accidents were really popular around that time and the people who passed away were fortunately just faces to me. I didn’t know any of them but I could have. They were friends of my friends and couldve easily been mine’s too if I was more social. I didn’t want to make a lot of friends. I was scared if I had a lot of friends I’d lose them to death. So I avoided it. 

I think it was around 12th grade that i thought the way I’m thinking is completely irrational and that people die anyway I shouldn’t let this stop me from making friends. I’m now in college and one of the first people I get close too is super sick. I feel like this is a way fate is punishing me in. Its weird that I feel guilty – like I’m the reason his life might end. He didn’t discover disease until we started getting close. Is this possible? That I could be the cause.. I mean I know deep down that this makes no sense but its a feeling that has been bugging me and I needed to let it out. 

I always believed that life had an algorithm it goes by and people just have to cope with the situations until it ends so maybe his disease isn’t a part of my life? Its his to face and too me its just a situation where I show if I’m a worthy friend. I used to think of myself as a weak person because I couldn’t stand up for my friends but lately I’ve changed a lot. Maybe my role here is to prove myself as a good friend. Stand up next to a friend who needs support. I cant really provide much except support it just feels like I should be able to do more because I see him almost daily. I’m not as involved as it feels. 

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2 thoughts on “The Price

  1. This will sound crazy. You often end up where you need to be. The spiritual translation “God never puts things on your plate that you can’t handle”. While it may be disturbing for you, it may be a great comfort for the other person. I had a friend that I became close to with a nasty cancer. Once the cancer was gone, so was the friendship. I thought it a little rude at first. But sometimes things are there for reasons we don’t understand. Well written

    • Yea I understand and I think I handled it pretty good, its just weird because it was the first friend I made in college and they’re very appreciative of my support..
      Maybe you remind your friend of the hard part of their life so it became hard for your friend to stay close to you, know what I’m saying? People’s brain work differently but I’m still sorry you had to go through it with them and suddenly to feel ditched because they got better :/

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