Surrounded but Alone

I don’t talk much about myself. That’s why when I get the chance, I don’t like to let it pass by fast, because if I do allow it then people would have the idea that my life is perfect and I don’t someone by my side. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy but I want them to know that when I don’t call or check in with them, it’s not because i have forgotten about them – it’s because i need space. I can’t be the one you come to vent too all the time while I have no way to vent. That’s pretty understandable I think, but I have a feeling a lot of the people I know don’t get this. When I start talking they just end up changing the subject. I’m not sure why, is it because they’re not used to hearing me complain or is it because they don’t really get that sometimes I need to talk? I know that if I ever ask any of them to listen to me they will in a heartbeat but I’m not one to ask people for that.

One thing I especially hate in myself is that I’m not a responsible person. I can’t deal with situations alone. I’m always in need of someone. I blame this on my anxiety, but its a part of me that I cant get rid off of. No matter how nice the person is, they’re not gonna care about me more than I care. I really wish I had someone who cared enough to call me to check in, but who am I kidding? When people are used to coming to you for help or to hear whatever it is that’s troubling them, they don’t expect you to have problems of your own. It’s like being an uncertified and an unpaid psychiatrist. I mean dont get me wrong, I’m happy these people find comfort in me however, a simple “how have you been?” or “how is your life going?” would be nice to hear.

 

Advertisements

Koi fish painting

FullSizeRender 13FullSizeRender 15FullSizeRender 14IMG_6983IMG_6982

(First picture is w/o flash and the second is w/flash)

According to a Japanese Legend, if a koi is able to swim up the falls at a point called Dragon Gate on the Yellow River, it would be transformed into a dragon. That being said, it wasn’t what inspired me to paint this. My best friend is currently in China and played with the koi fish there. He was so proud of touching the fish it was adorable so I decided to save this memory in a painting.

I planned to give it to him when he’s back but he’s going to be away for 6 more weeks and he wasn’t feeling so well, so this picture came at the right time xD he was so happy with it – one of the cutest moments i experienced in life tbh. He decided that we are the fish and that I’m the one behind, because I’m always looking after him (hes such a beautiful creature, right?). Originally I wanted him to be the one on the back because I’m more satisfied with how it looks, but his reasoning was better. I’m so grateful to have this koi dragon human in my life ❤

The Fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm is terrible, but they never found that a sufficient reason for remaining ashore” – Vincent Van Gogh

-Panda/Deww

Beach Please

I could start every blog post from now on with how its long over due and blame it on college which isn’t true because I’m a procrastinator, meaning that I had multiple occasions where I could have updated this goddamn blog but chose admire my bedroom’s ceiling instead. Seriously though, I’ve wasted so much time this year just laying in bed and enjoying the beauty of my ceilling while day dreaming about me having a life. Which I do have a life I just choose to ignore it and lie in bed. Beds are addicting, I gotta tell you that.

Moving onn. I think it was after our midterms when Alice and I decided to go to Sukhna (Egypt) for a day with friends. It was a really good and needed day in my life. We got to rest … While making fun of our professors by the beach. sighhh

 

The amount spent fishing that day was ridiculous; close to 9 hours maybe ? Oh god I don’t even want to count. Kinda glad I don’t fish. It was another friend who supposedly fishes all the time. He ended up catching a pathetic looking fish – no discrimination against any fish though XD It was so embarrassing, I mean I wouldn’t have been surprised if we would have fished a “it’s not me, its you” note from the ocean. We tried all typed of baits available and it was obvious the ocean hated us. At least I learned how to open shells.

We collected a lot of cute looking shells and rocks that come to think of it now – our friend took them home and we haven’t seen them since 😐 along the way, we found a tiny crab (?) that we named Shelldon and gave him an empty shell as gf in order to trick him into poking outside of his shell.

 

-Panda/Deww

The Price

 

31/12 /15 rain


 Around 9th grade I started noticing how a lot of people my age are passing away. Car accidents were really popular around that time and the people who passed away were fortunately just faces to me. I didn’t know any of them but I could have. They were friends of my friends and couldve easily been mine’s too if I was more social. I didn’t want to make a lot of friends. I was scared if I had a lot of friends I’d lose them to death. So I avoided it. 

I think it was around 12th grade that i thought the way I’m thinking is completely irrational and that people die anyway I shouldn’t let this stop me from making friends. I’m now in college and one of the first people I get close too is super sick. I feel like this is a way fate is punishing me in. Its weird that I feel guilty – like I’m the reason his life might end. He didn’t discover disease until we started getting close. Is this possible? That I could be the cause.. I mean I know deep down that this makes no sense but its a feeling that has been bugging me and I needed to let it out. 

I always believed that life had an algorithm it goes by and people just have to cope with the situations until it ends so maybe his disease isn’t a part of my life? Its his to face and too me its just a situation where I show if I’m a worthy friend. I used to think of myself as a weak person because I couldn’t stand up for my friends but lately I’ve changed a lot. Maybe my role here is to prove myself as a good friend. Stand up next to a friend who needs support. I cant really provide much except support it just feels like I should be able to do more because I see him almost daily. I’m not as involved as it feels. 

Paranoid?

IMG_3434 IMG_3435

Ever stopped and wondered about what people thought of you when they first met you? I always was under the impression that people didn’t think much of me. I’m just this quiet tiny girl sitting there with nothing to say to join in on the subject being discussed. Even-though there are a 1000 though crossing my mind, I struggle to find something to say. I might have a lot going in my tiny head, but there are like 0 thoughts that are related to whats happening around me – I’m always lost in thought. Due to my zoned out nature, its hard to consider that people see me as an interesting person.

Since I started college, I realised that people see more to me than I think I offer. There is no complaining that they still see the quiet girl, its just that apparently I give of a mysterious vibe. I’m impressed, you know. I didn’t even need to use a smoke device and wear black shades to appear mysterious. Something about me spiked some of my new friends’ interest. Just today I was told by a new guy friend that since the first day he saw me I captured his attention despite being quiet, he felt like there is something about me he needs to discover – which by the way he still hasn’t figured out what it is. He isn’t the only person that admitted to me that they thought that I seemed interesting even if I look rather unsocial. I think he was the one who inspired me to write this now because he’s literally 180 degrees different than me. He’s loud, confident, has his life together – basically he has a life while I feel like mine has been invaded by the forced drama. Earlier today I was thinking about how this person probably thinks I’m annoying which proved to be wrong as he texted me when we got home. Its just that I felt like I’m treating him like my old friends so I might have been “overly friendly” or “clingy”.

As much as I am happy to discover that I appeal interesting to some people, I’m super scared. I don’t like losing people and I tend to hang on to the memories they left me with which keeps me up at nights thinking why did they have to leave my life considering whatever situation it is that we passed through that made us part paths. I don’t feel like that any new friend I’m making will last for some reason. I’m pretty sure they’re not as paranoid as I am about this subject as I think I managed to show them that I’m a stable ground to them? They’ve mentioned it every once in a while that I’m a really good friend and don’t get me wrong they are good friends too its just that I think I’m comparing the level of comfort I have with my old friends whom I consider closer than family and the level of comfort I have with friends I’ve known for like what? A month? I Think I’ll just have to deal with this on my own since the problem lies within the irrational tangles of my brain.


-Panda/Deww