Surrounded but Alone

I don’t talk much about myself. That’s why when I get the chance, I don’t like to let it pass by fast, because if I do allow it then people would have the idea that my life is perfect and I don’t someone by my side. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy but I want them to know that when I don’t call or check in with them, it’s not because i have forgotten about them – it’s because i need space. I can’t be the one you come to vent too all the time while I have no way to vent. That’s pretty understandable I think, but I have a feeling a lot of the people I know don’t get this. When I start talking they just end up changing the subject. I’m not sure why, is it because they’re not used to hearing me complain or is it because they don’t really get that sometimes I need to talk? I know that if I ever ask any of them to listen to me they will in a heartbeat but I’m not one to ask people for that.

One thing I especially hate in myself is that I’m not a responsible person. I can’t deal with situations alone. I’m always in need of someone. I blame this on my anxiety, but its a part of me that I cant get rid off of. No matter how nice the person is, they’re not gonna care about me more than I care. I really wish I had someone who cared enough to call me to check in, but who am I kidding? When people are used to coming to you for help or to hear whatever it is that’s troubling them, they don’t expect you to have problems of your own. It’s like being an uncertified and an unpaid psychiatrist. I mean dont get me wrong, I’m happy these people find comfort in me however, a simple “how have you been?” or “how is your life going?” would be nice to hear.

 

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Heroin Addiction ✧

IMG_1571[1]Today I started watching this show about drug addiction, a lot of Egyptians probably have finished watching it already. Its called Taht ElSaytara (Under Control). I couldn’t help but see myself in the lead actress, we share a lot of traits with a few small but at the same time major differences. We both overthink everything, we’re not good with confrontations, we’re both stuck in lives we can’t control and we fear losing control of our lives, we fear a lot of stuff, especially lonelliness but we’re both strong. We chose different passes to deal with our lives and this is due to our different traits. I have anxiety disorder. My anxiety controls me, it makes me think of the unthinkable. I think about something before it happens, its results and consequences; its usually just delusions and nothing ever happens, but I still worry about it until I feel like my body is struggling from addiction. Surprisingly, my anxiety saves me from narcotics. The lead character dove intro narcotics to escape “now”, but escaping isn’t forever and I want something forever however this is called death and I don’t want to die. I have a lot of dreams and I wont rest until I make at least one of those dreams come true. My method of escaping consists of dreaming, either asleep or awake. While still watching this series I thought maybe that evil faux friend haven’t tripped me yet, but will get to do so in the future and I’d fall. As if the computer heard me and and decided to reply me, a sentence was said, “… Some people just never think of it.”. Even though this laptop I’m using isn’t mine, but it definitely is a damn good friend – it answered my question if I’ll ever fall. I won’t. I never thought about drugs or even alcohol for that matter. I hate being controlled and I’m not one of those stupid people who just doesn’t believe that these substances can’t control me. They’re not a living thing, this doesn’t mean its weaker than humans. If medicines can heal our bodies then narcotics can destroy us. The only control we have over it is to take its pass or not. I hate losing control of myself, it scares me beyond anyone could begin to understand. The character just wanted to lose control at the moment, she didn’t have anxiety to make her worry about the aftermath, she just wanted to stop thinking for a while and she thought that this break would help. It doesn’t, never does. When I started it hookah, it wasn’t because I was just going with the flow. I had researched it before and when the chance came, I tried it and liked it. Its not as addicting as cigarettes so I knew I was safe. So its not that I just “realised” what I’m doing, I knew exactly what I was doing. When I found that I’ve taken I liking to it, the option of vaping appeared to me. I should order one soon as I’ve saved up its money. I thought that I’ve already got people in my life hurting me and unfortunately for me I can’t just rid myself of them so I can’t be hurting myself too. One day I’ll leave this life and I need myself to be ready for this not broken to pieces. I don’t want an escape, I want a solution so I wont have to deal with this shit anymore. -Panda/Deww

WIP: Doodle Superman artwork

I drew this for my friend as a gift as he loves Superman and I thought it would be the perfect gift to show how much I love having him in my life ^~^

This is the progress the artwork went through:

1. 

 I’m a perfectionist so I like to start of with a ruler and a pencil to get everything even. 

2. 

  3. 

  
4. 

 
Doodling as a perfectionist is pretty frustrating as you’re trying to get everything to be perfect but at the same time doodling is pretty much about the mistakes? There is no right or wrong in doodles and as a perfectionist I’m constantly trying to find the “right path” as I go. I searched doodles and henna designs on WeHeartIt to get an idea of the designs I should do, even though I didn’t follow them 100%. I just repeated the parts I liked. 

4. 

 (W/O Flash) 

When I started on the doodling, I instantly panicked because th shapes werent even and I began worrying about what if he doesn’t like it and if I should just not continue it as it would be a waste of time since he would refuse to take it which I know deep down is BS. He kept telling me how much he loves it and wants to frame it, but I couldn’t remove the thought of him refusing to take it because he thinks its ugly. From the moment I held on to the blue pen till I finally let it down, my brain was literally in hell. Hurting from the painful thoughts. 

5. 

  
(W/Flash)

I think now that its finished my brain took a break, but I still have irrelevant fears of him just accepting it and not really liking it however as I’m pretty happy with how it ended I can suppress these feelings for now xD 

6.

 
I used Faber Castell artistic pens in:

Deep Scarlet Red 219***

Cobalt Blue 143***

Dark Chrome Yellow 109***

And Posca markers in white to fix any mistakes I’ve made. 

7. 

 
8. 

  This pretty much the hell that goes in my head daily. I’ve learned to live with it though 😛 I’m pretty proud of myself though for finishing it (^-^)