Busy (Warning: Extreme Rant)

I know i haven’t uploaded much at all. Im not quite good at sharing my feelings most of the time, but this time its okay to say i should blow some steam.

Going into uni has changed some stuff. Its a big place and lots of effort is to be put in, and this effort takes time. People, more importantly friends, have been getting caught up in their own schedules.

Being sort of sentimental and not very welcome of change , ive tried to pretend om not very bothered by it. But sometimes i feel sort of forgotten. Left out of cliques and outing and its supposed to be a new start to getting new friends. People don’t really welcome people in much to their little cirlces , they are usually just engaged on an academic level but not very much socially.

I decided that i need to talk more and try, despite that it failed. Very little success at expanding the pool of people to be even aquainted with.

That sends me a feeling that i either depend too much on people or that ive just got to give up trying .

I dont really feel that close to the people im close with, i feel like im going to be left behind sooner or later. Everyone moves on. Everyone seems to have stuff that theyre engaged in. I even started to think back to sometimes when i lost close friends, how different would it be to not have left them or how it wouldve been if we’d stayed friends.

Its really haunting the feeling that you always care more than others. That its back to small talk and not much else. It hurts to feel like you’ve been forgotten and that you really are only remembered on convinience.

Being alone and lonely differ.Its not pretty being the latter, but its even worse when youre surrounded by people and no one even looks.
I don’t like to expect things from people, or about anything. Feeling like a burden when they think they should talk and keep up is a drag. I just hope i can invest into something that would turn this around or try atleast.

Thank you, if you’ve even made it down here. Have a cookie.

-K (Alice, Cookie)

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Vanishing Freedom

It feels like little by little the control I have over my life is being stripped away and its not like I have much control over it any ways, but it does matter to me. I barely have a lead on anything thats going on with my life but I thought at least I can enjoy the little things that make me happy. Like rain. It rarely rains in Egypt so I would soak in it in the few days it rains over here and now he wants to take that away from me too? I’m getting bottled up and I have no idea how I’ll explode this time. One thing I know for sure is that my explosion would do only worse for me and it wont affect any one else. I thought starting college will give me my own life but it didn’t. It just takes up hours of my day, nothing more. My life is still under the invasion of my family and I have no idea if I’ll ever be free from this but I’d like to think positively of my future… Its whats keeping me breathing.

Even though I’ve already started college I cant stop my day dreams of me being a different person in college. Its not like I can easily change the real me to fit the cookie cutter of the person I made in my head.

I’m not sure how I’ll survive college. The only thing I used to be good at is drawing – its what made me unique. Now I’m thrown in with a bunch of other potential artists so that makes me not interesting at all. If anything, I’m less. They all have trophies to remind them of the things they’ve done while I’m just sitting there realised that I’ve pretty much done nothing in my life. I can’t even change that because my only talent was art which I know that I’m not so good at and I accept this, I just hate how much of a no-lifer I am.

You know what I would like for to happen? If this blog became famous. When I first started this blog I wanted to be like Xiaxue; I know that its like aiming for the stars, but this blog was a part of my day dreams. I’m not sure if I can make this blog big, but I enjoy blogging so I’ll keep going and see where this will go.
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-Panda/Deww

Blog-tember Challenge Day 21

Monday, Sept. 21: A favourite quote/expression and how it has impacted you.”

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This is pretty much self explanatory, I don’t feel like there is anything to talk about because after you take a minute to think about this, it just opens up a door in your head to allow more room for thinking about any situation in your life. I don’t live in this world alone, I need to put other people’s pov into consideration. This gives me a view of the bigger picture of any situation. I get to make myself understand how others were thinking. It makes life easier tbh since it makes you less judgemental and force you think before taking any fast actions toward something – something I’m still working on.

Being able to understand that not everyone thinks a like and that my opinion is as important as any other person’s opinion puts my over-thinking brain at ease. It also makes interested in learning about people, how different we all are yet were all the same.


Whats your existential fear. 

 Its weird how I got the idea of this from a silly online Disney quiz. The question was “Whats your existential fear?”. My answer was “to make a difference”. How will I be remembered if I die now? The answer is I wouldn’t be remembered for anything. I’ll just cause people pain for my loss, which is better than nothing tbh, but will they say “She was a good person.”, “I never heard her talk about about people” and “She was so selfless” – the shitt we hear being said about whoever is dead. At least I have people around me and I wont just die on the couch only to be found by the stench of my corpse. 

 I want to do something for the world before I die, I don’t want to be just another human to walk on this planet; I want to be someone. And yet, I cant pass school. 

 I used to think that I made a difference to my family and that was definitely enough for me, but I never thought I’d have to die in order for them to realise. I thought on of us [my siblings and I] got sick they’d just wake up from the pain they’re causing us, but that proved to be way wrong… Man was I wrong. I got asthma and turns out my heart muscles are to weak and that never stopped him. Hell I staid in bed for over a weak barely able to wake up and he didn’t even care enough to pick up his phone and call me, didn’t even ask my sister about me and he did know I was super sick. My sister has a huge thing with her health and needs to run a lot of blood tests and heart scan and all he cares about is that he paid money for her gym membership and she didn’t go yet. 

 I don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to die yet, I need to make a difference first. Something big to mend those empty pieces in my life. However, I need to end the misery I’m living first and it doesn’t seem like it will ever end. I know it wont. Its like I’m living in an endless spiral. 

 I do believe that good things happen, but it seems too far from me. I’m physically a short person and apparently short in everything else. 

 I’m just goin to exit this world like I never came. Most probably I wont be judged – I wont have anything to be judged upon. I’m not a bad person, I’ve done good things. I’m not a good person either, I’ve done bad things. I don’t know what I am. Maybe I’m like those corals in the sea. Since they naturally exist, we need them, though when we go swimming we tend to avoid them. 

 I met someone who’s a lot like me but with a huge difference. His existence makes a difference. He’s capable of doing change. He used to be a bad person and accepted this and now is on the road to become better. Maybe this is why he’s not feeling like how I feel, the difference is his life gives him chances/opportunities and mine doesn’t. Good stuff happen, but not to me. This is why I day dream. In my dreams, my life isn’t that different actually however it allows me chances to make a difference. 

 I’m not an ungrateful person. I have a really good mum that I can’t live without and the best friends ever but my life is still meaningless. What I want to do is give my life a definition before I die. 

 
-Panda/Deww