Surrounded but Alone

I don’t talk much about myself. That’s why when I get the chance, I don’t like to let it pass by fast, because if I do allow it then people would have the idea that my life is perfect and I don’t someone by my side. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy but I want them to know that when I don’t call or check in with them, it’s not because i have forgotten about them – it’s because i need space. I can’t be the one you come to vent too all the time while I have no way to vent. That’s pretty understandable I think, but I have a feeling a lot of the people I know don’t get this. When I start talking they just end up changing the subject. I’m not sure why, is it because they’re not used to hearing me complain or is it because they don’t really get that sometimes I need to talk? I know that if I ever ask any of them to listen to me they will in a heartbeat but I’m not one to ask people for that.

One thing I especially hate in myself is that I’m not a responsible person. I can’t deal with situations alone. I’m always in need of someone. I blame this on my anxiety, but its a part of me that I cant get rid off of. No matter how nice the person is, they’re not gonna care about me more than I care. I really wish I had someone who cared enough to call me to check in, but who am I kidding? When people are used to coming to you for help or to hear whatever it is that’s troubling them, they don’t expect you to have problems of your own. It’s like being an uncertified and an unpaid psychiatrist. I mean dont get me wrong, I’m happy these people find comfort in me however, a simple “how have you been?” or “how is your life going?” would be nice to hear.

 

Beach Please

I could start every blog post from now on with how its long over due and blame it on college which isn’t true because I’m a procrastinator, meaning that I had multiple occasions where I could have updated this goddamn blog but chose admire my bedroom’s ceiling instead. Seriously though, I’ve wasted so much time this year just laying in bed and enjoying the beauty of my ceilling while day dreaming about me having a life. Which I do have a life I just choose to ignore it and lie in bed. Beds are addicting, I gotta tell you that.

Moving onn. I think it was after our midterms when Alice and I decided to go to Sukhna (Egypt) for a day with friends. It was a really good and needed day in my life. We got to rest … While making fun of our professors by the beach. sighhh

 

The amount spent fishing that day was ridiculous; close to 9 hours maybe ? Oh god I don’t even want to count. Kinda glad I don’t fish. It was another friend who supposedly fishes all the time. He ended up catching a pathetic looking fish – no discrimination against any fish though XD It was so embarrassing, I mean I wouldn’t have been surprised if we would have fished a “it’s not me, its you” note from the ocean. We tried all typed of baits available and it was obvious the ocean hated us. At least I learned how to open shells.

We collected a lot of cute looking shells and rocks that come to think of it now – our friend took them home and we haven’t seen them since 😐 along the way, we found a tiny crab (?) that we named Shelldon and gave him an empty shell as gf in order to trick him into poking outside of his shell.

 

-Panda/Deww

Paranoid?

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Ever stopped and wondered about what people thought of you when they first met you? I always was under the impression that people didn’t think much of me. I’m just this quiet tiny girl sitting there with nothing to say to join in on the subject being discussed. Even-though there are a 1000 though crossing my mind, I struggle to find something to say. I might have a lot going in my tiny head, but there are like 0 thoughts that are related to whats happening around me – I’m always lost in thought. Due to my zoned out nature, its hard to consider that people see me as an interesting person.

Since I started college, I realised that people see more to me than I think I offer. There is no complaining that they still see the quiet girl, its just that apparently I give of a mysterious vibe. I’m impressed, you know. I didn’t even need to use a smoke device and wear black shades to appear mysterious. Something about me spiked some of my new friends’ interest. Just today I was told by a new guy friend that since the first day he saw me I captured his attention despite being quiet, he felt like there is something about me he needs to discover – which by the way he still hasn’t figured out what it is. He isn’t the only person that admitted to me that they thought that I seemed interesting even if I look rather unsocial. I think he was the one who inspired me to write this now because he’s literally 180 degrees different than me. He’s loud, confident, has his life together – basically he has a life while I feel like mine has been invaded by the forced drama. Earlier today I was thinking about how this person probably thinks I’m annoying which proved to be wrong as he texted me when we got home. Its just that I felt like I’m treating him like my old friends so I might have been “overly friendly” or “clingy”.

As much as I am happy to discover that I appeal interesting to some people, I’m super scared. I don’t like losing people and I tend to hang on to the memories they left me with which keeps me up at nights thinking why did they have to leave my life considering whatever situation it is that we passed through that made us part paths. I don’t feel like that any new friend I’m making will last for some reason. I’m pretty sure they’re not as paranoid as I am about this subject as I think I managed to show them that I’m a stable ground to them? They’ve mentioned it every once in a while that I’m a really good friend and don’t get me wrong they are good friends too its just that I think I’m comparing the level of comfort I have with my old friends whom I consider closer than family and the level of comfort I have with friends I’ve known for like what? A month? I Think I’ll just have to deal with this on my own since the problem lies within the irrational tangles of my brain.


-Panda/Deww

Body Shaming

I don’t think I’ve seen something break people more than body shaming. Its so sad and disgusting that people find the need to shame a type of body to highlight a certian type. Is it so hard for people to accept the fact that beauty doesn’t have a “model shape”? Its not an exam where you have mode answers to it wtf. I think it was last year that I saw the contestants for Miss Korea and they all looked the same. People were shocked and acted like this is unnatural. It is natural when you give someone “goals” and tell them you have to have that to be beautiful. 

  
Saying that “being skinny is ugly and real woman have curves” to make curvy woman feel happy about there body but at the same time telling skinny people that they’re ugly and not “real” just because their body type is different. 

  
A confession I saw earlier.

Omg the horrid shit that was told to her. People just forget that others do have feelings? She’s always crying because people told her no one will ever love her. Their words have affected her this bad. Why? Why the need to step on someone to make yourself feel better? No you’re not “beautiful” or “real” if you find the need to shame others in order to feel better about yourself. 

     

   Also judging have became like a second nature for some people. SOME PEOPLE JUDGE BY HOW HIGH YOUR HEELS ARE! Gladely this has never happened to me and if someone decided to judge me by how tall my heel is I’ll stick it up their butt then call them a whore for having shoes up their butt -.- isn’t it the same thing they did? They made measures that classify “what you are” and forced them on you. Utterly disgusting. 

I feel like one person makes up an idea – in this situation that woman have to be curvy to be considered femine and pretty tO BE LOVED  and then people jusy blindly cover and not stopping for a second to think about how this might affect others. One girl decided to anonymously talk about how this affects her and how she prefers to stay at home because going out scares her. Isn’t this like torturing someone? Keeping them alive but not killing them. Just distroying them. Judging should be illegal one day, hopefully soon. 

Anyway. Ending this post with a happier subject. 

 This was Alice and I in 2013
  This is us now as of 2015

Alice didn’t change much, just her eyebrow game got stronger, but look at me O.O’ so different >.<

  
Lollipop of out childhood ;__; the memories that come with the taste. 

 
🌙Picture of the moon yesterday and of course the stars are photoshopped inn xD
 -Panda/Deww

Ramadan🌙Kareem Art

I’ve been wanting to draw something Ramadan Inspired since Ramadan started but could barely come up with an idea. I just kept doodling stuff then I’d rip them out of my sketch and feel like a failure. Art has a great impact on my mood. It manages to make me feel the most worthless piece of shit ever and the most talented person ever I could be Picasso wtf. No inbetween. 

 

Alkina🌙


 I usually either let Alice or Ahmad name the girls I draw. I send them the picture and who ever answers first with a name wins. Ahmad won this time but I ended up naming her anyway wtf xD I wanted a moon-related name so I googled names. 
I imagined her while I was in the car going to a family gathering after my previous ideas managed to make me feel disappointed in myself. I imagined her a bit differently though, I pictured the moon laying under her eyes – like how Sailor Moon’s moon looks like however not on her forehead, but after drawing it I didn’t really like it. 
I used Pastel Pitt pencils to colour her and random pens to outline her. 
I’m not exactly sure why I drew her as an anime, I prefer realism. Also I suck at drawing anime. I think I improved a lot. 
Anyway, yesterday was my mum’s birthday. First we went to an Iftar with the family which not a lot of people attended this year.  


I really loved how my makeup looked like. The eyeliner came out pretty good which was a surprise since the brush wouldn’t work properly -.- 

I used The Body Shop’s Liquid Eyeliner in black. Its been my favourite eyeliner for a really long time, doesn’t budge until you rub it with water. For eyeshadow, I used The Body Shop’s Eye Colour Matte in no.10 which is a pretty neutral brown colour. I applied it only on my crease and blent it above it because my eyes are deep set and  it doesn’t show eyeshadow if i don’t blend it above. For mascara, my all time favourite is Miss Manga by L’Oreal.

 
Full face. 

  Mum’s birthday cake xD the only candle that was available was a Minnie Mouse 1 year old candle wahahahahhaha
That’s all for now ^__^ buh byee!

-Panda/Deww 

Alice’s 18th Birthday + Picture of us

Last Tuesday (May 19) was Alice’s birthday and we celebrated it on the right day, now this is a big deal to us since Alice is cursed with being born on exam season. Last year, I had 4 exams in 1 day wtf Q_Q I just told her happy birthday and slept off the rest of the day. The years before were similar stories, I think one time she had 6 exams in one day – we would celebrate by resting XD Now I proudly can say that in the 8 years I’ve known Alice, 2015 was the year we celebrated her birthday on the right day :”D

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We’ve been wanting to watch Home for quite a while now so we thought it would be awesome to go to the cinema. Its fucking adorable!! Jim Parsons nailed it. I think if it wasnt for him, Home wouldn’t have been as good as it is. Its just so pleasing to hear him speak and since he played Sheldon Cooper it wasn’t really hard to imagine him as an alien. The way the Booves talked was so cute, Alice and I spent the rest of the day speaking like them and since English isnt our first language it was pretty easy considering that we spent the first years of our lives speaking like this XD also the movie has the best phrases which reminded me a lot of Tumblr.

After the movie, both of us were pretty hungry so we ate at Eintsein Kaffee and ordered Alfredo Pasta and Pizza while we chatted. One thing we talked about is our love to leftovers. You know how you’re in this really good restaurant and you just wish you could live there to have an endless supply of food? Taking the rest of the food you were to stuffed to eat is the bestest. Once you go home and start to feel hungry again so you eat the rest makes us feel like there is still some magic left. There is still hope wahahahahahhaha xD

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Woohoo ~ first picture of Alice and I on our blog!

Alice is the one with the raven hair and I’m the other with whatever blonde, light brunette, dark ginger colour hair it is. I don’t know what it identifies as anymore XD originally it was a dark caramel blonde then I dyed it red for a while and then I decided to go back to blonde and now its this colour.

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I intentionally wore red and black for her birthday as they’re her favourite colours (=^-^=)

We went on a walk later and found this antique store. We want to one day be able to live together, I’ve already Imagined how we want it to look like and how many pets we’ll have xD It would’ve been really romantic if we were in love with each other except that were not and we don’t classify as romantic people. I mean Alice can get into romance with her fancy book reading, but I’m not romantic at all.

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This fountain is really pretty, we both enjoyed looking at it and hopefully one day we’ll be able to own one ~

The rest of our day was spent in Costa Coffee, which is my personal favourite cafe. They literally make the best peach iced tea. The decor is pretty retro-ish comfortable design.

IMG_6382[1]Photo on my phone is from this post

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This was pretty much our day. It was pretty fun – Alice jumped around at the end of the day while I laughed at her and a passer by coughed off his laugh XD

-Panda/Deww

Whats your existential fear. 

 Its weird how I got the idea of this from a silly online Disney quiz. The question was “Whats your existential fear?”. My answer was “to make a difference”. How will I be remembered if I die now? The answer is I wouldn’t be remembered for anything. I’ll just cause people pain for my loss, which is better than nothing tbh, but will they say “She was a good person.”, “I never heard her talk about about people” and “She was so selfless” – the shitt we hear being said about whoever is dead. At least I have people around me and I wont just die on the couch only to be found by the stench of my corpse. 

 I want to do something for the world before I die, I don’t want to be just another human to walk on this planet; I want to be someone. And yet, I cant pass school. 

 I used to think that I made a difference to my family and that was definitely enough for me, but I never thought I’d have to die in order for them to realise. I thought on of us [my siblings and I] got sick they’d just wake up from the pain they’re causing us, but that proved to be way wrong… Man was I wrong. I got asthma and turns out my heart muscles are to weak and that never stopped him. Hell I staid in bed for over a weak barely able to wake up and he didn’t even care enough to pick up his phone and call me, didn’t even ask my sister about me and he did know I was super sick. My sister has a huge thing with her health and needs to run a lot of blood tests and heart scan and all he cares about is that he paid money for her gym membership and she didn’t go yet. 

 I don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to die yet, I need to make a difference first. Something big to mend those empty pieces in my life. However, I need to end the misery I’m living first and it doesn’t seem like it will ever end. I know it wont. Its like I’m living in an endless spiral. 

 I do believe that good things happen, but it seems too far from me. I’m physically a short person and apparently short in everything else. 

 I’m just goin to exit this world like I never came. Most probably I wont be judged – I wont have anything to be judged upon. I’m not a bad person, I’ve done good things. I’m not a good person either, I’ve done bad things. I don’t know what I am. Maybe I’m like those corals in the sea. Since they naturally exist, we need them, though when we go swimming we tend to avoid them. 

 I met someone who’s a lot like me but with a huge difference. His existence makes a difference. He’s capable of doing change. He used to be a bad person and accepted this and now is on the road to become better. Maybe this is why he’s not feeling like how I feel, the difference is his life gives him chances/opportunities and mine doesn’t. Good stuff happen, but not to me. This is why I day dream. In my dreams, my life isn’t that different actually however it allows me chances to make a difference. 

 I’m not an ungrateful person. I have a really good mum that I can’t live without and the best friends ever but my life is still meaningless. What I want to do is give my life a definition before I die. 

 
-Panda/Deww