The Price

 

31/12 /15 rain


 Around 9th grade I started noticing how a lot of people my age are passing away. Car accidents were really popular around that time and the people who passed away were fortunately just faces to me. I didn’t know any of them but I could have. They were friends of my friends and couldve easily been mine’s too if I was more social. I didn’t want to make a lot of friends. I was scared if I had a lot of friends I’d lose them to death. So I avoided it. 

I think it was around 12th grade that i thought the way I’m thinking is completely irrational and that people die anyway I shouldn’t let this stop me from making friends. I’m now in college and one of the first people I get close too is super sick. I feel like this is a way fate is punishing me in. Its weird that I feel guilty – like I’m the reason his life might end. He didn’t discover disease until we started getting close. Is this possible? That I could be the cause.. I mean I know deep down that this makes no sense but its a feeling that has been bugging me and I needed to let it out. 

I always believed that life had an algorithm it goes by and people just have to cope with the situations until it ends so maybe his disease isn’t a part of my life? Its his to face and too me its just a situation where I show if I’m a worthy friend. I used to think of myself as a weak person because I couldn’t stand up for my friends but lately I’ve changed a lot. Maybe my role here is to prove myself as a good friend. Stand up next to a friend who needs support. I cant really provide much except support it just feels like I should be able to do more because I see him almost daily. I’m not as involved as it feels. 

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Losing a friend…

Losing a friend is hard. Especially when you’ve done a lot to them and be treated back with Ungratefulness and realising how shameless the person is. I wasn’t hurt however. I knew from the start that our friendship wouldn’t have lasted, but still I was disappointed.

I received her as a shipwreck and did my best to fix her back and I did a pretty good job even though I didn’t get to finish my work. I’m pretty proud of myself.

Knowing that she needed a lot of help, I still wanted to befriend her and help her out through her rough time. I continuously ignored my friends warning of being near her and stood up for her, reasoning that she was lost and is finally finding her way back on the road.

Being beside her made me happy, not just because I was helping someone but because she unknowingly made me stronger. I didn’t expect to receive shit from this friendship as I knew she was too broken to lend a helping hand and I was okay with that, but know she has something of mine that wont help her any way possible, but you still insist on ignoring me and wont give it back. I did not expect this shameless-ness or rudeness from her.

I expected to be hurt from the way she’s acting and surprisingly enough I’m not. I cannot wait to get my wallet back from her to finally cut all strings that keeps us together. It would relief me from that rage and anger I hold towards her.

As if God is trying to tell me not to care about her, he sent me one of her friends to wish me a new year and just by that he becomes a good friend of mine. He might not be the best person to befriend, but he respects me and faces what he did wrong instead of pretending to be a good person.

“I don’t regret one bit that I let you in my life, though I deeply hope that you would tilt your hear down and look at the gold ring on your finger that I gifted you and feel it burn with shame you should be feeling.”

I really wish she would come back and apologise – no I wont lend her my friendship again but at least I would know that she believes I’ve don’t good for her. I know I did good for her, I don’t need a confirmation. I just want to know it didn’t go to a waste.

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-Panda/Deww

Destroying

Hello everyone!
I haven’t blogged in a while, because i haven’t had anything interesting to share or new news. Unfortunately today I don’t have a cheery blog, I’m feeling down and so will this blog be.

I’m not sure whats happening in dad’s brain lately, but I’m definitely sure its not a good thing. He’s trying to destroy me? Not sure why, but whatever I love doing, he stops me from doing it. No matter what it is, its forbidden. I wanted to learn Japanese and every time he’d refuse to talk about it saying I wont use it in my life even though he is the one who suggested I learn it. Recently I’ve been able to talk to him about it, finally but he gave an excuse of why I cant start now and its understandable. Now, we were going out for tennis and I thought I’d take my rubiks cube to practice a bit during the car ride, he suddenly shouts at me for insisting on bringing it. Just a frickin cube, wouldn’t hurt to bring it a long to kill some time.

I talked to him about it and he just kept laughing. He’s like, just a 2 minutes ride, why bring it, wont hurt if you don’t bring it with you. I argued back saying it wont hurt him either if a take it with me. Then he changed the subject of how silly I’m acting.

I really hope he stops this soon, its getting unbearable.

Sorry for my emo ramble, just had to get this out and Alice’s phone isn’t receiving.