Busy (Warning: Extreme Rant)

I know i haven’t uploaded much at all. Im not quite good at sharing my feelings most of the time, but this time its okay to say i should blow some steam.

Going into uni has changed some stuff. Its a big place and lots of effort is to be put in, and this effort takes time. People, more importantly friends, have been getting caught up in their own schedules.

Being sort of sentimental and not very welcome of change , ive tried to pretend om not very bothered by it. But sometimes i feel sort of forgotten. Left out of cliques and outing and its supposed to be a new start to getting new friends. People don’t really welcome people in much to their little cirlces , they are usually just engaged on an academic level but not very much socially.

I decided that i need to talk more and try, despite that it failed. Very little success at expanding the pool of people to be even aquainted with.

That sends me a feeling that i either depend too much on people or that ive just got to give up trying .

I dont really feel that close to the people im close with, i feel like im going to be left behind sooner or later. Everyone moves on. Everyone seems to have stuff that theyre engaged in. I even started to think back to sometimes when i lost close friends, how different would it be to not have left them or how it wouldve been if we’d stayed friends.

Its really haunting the feeling that you always care more than others. That its back to small talk and not much else. It hurts to feel like you’ve been forgotten and that you really are only remembered on convinience.

Being alone and lonely differ.Its not pretty being the latter, but its even worse when youre surrounded by people and no one even looks.
I don’t like to expect things from people, or about anything. Feeling like a burden when they think they should talk and keep up is a drag. I just hope i can invest into something that would turn this around or try atleast.

Thank you, if you’ve even made it down here. Have a cookie.

-K (Alice, Cookie)

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The Price

 

31/12 /15 rain


 Around 9th grade I started noticing how a lot of people my age are passing away. Car accidents were really popular around that time and the people who passed away were fortunately just faces to me. I didn’t know any of them but I could have. They were friends of my friends and couldve easily been mine’s too if I was more social. I didn’t want to make a lot of friends. I was scared if I had a lot of friends I’d lose them to death. So I avoided it. 

I think it was around 12th grade that i thought the way I’m thinking is completely irrational and that people die anyway I shouldn’t let this stop me from making friends. I’m now in college and one of the first people I get close too is super sick. I feel like this is a way fate is punishing me in. Its weird that I feel guilty – like I’m the reason his life might end. He didn’t discover disease until we started getting close. Is this possible? That I could be the cause.. I mean I know deep down that this makes no sense but its a feeling that has been bugging me and I needed to let it out. 

I always believed that life had an algorithm it goes by and people just have to cope with the situations until it ends so maybe his disease isn’t a part of my life? Its his to face and too me its just a situation where I show if I’m a worthy friend. I used to think of myself as a weak person because I couldn’t stand up for my friends but lately I’ve changed a lot. Maybe my role here is to prove myself as a good friend. Stand up next to a friend who needs support. I cant really provide much except support it just feels like I should be able to do more because I see him almost daily. I’m not as involved as it feels. 

Paranoid?

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Ever stopped and wondered about what people thought of you when they first met you? I always was under the impression that people didn’t think much of me. I’m just this quiet tiny girl sitting there with nothing to say to join in on the subject being discussed. Even-though there are a 1000 though crossing my mind, I struggle to find something to say. I might have a lot going in my tiny head, but there are like 0 thoughts that are related to whats happening around me – I’m always lost in thought. Due to my zoned out nature, its hard to consider that people see me as an interesting person.

Since I started college, I realised that people see more to me than I think I offer. There is no complaining that they still see the quiet girl, its just that apparently I give of a mysterious vibe. I’m impressed, you know. I didn’t even need to use a smoke device and wear black shades to appear mysterious. Something about me spiked some of my new friends’ interest. Just today I was told by a new guy friend that since the first day he saw me I captured his attention despite being quiet, he felt like there is something about me he needs to discover – which by the way he still hasn’t figured out what it is. He isn’t the only person that admitted to me that they thought that I seemed interesting even if I look rather unsocial. I think he was the one who inspired me to write this now because he’s literally 180 degrees different than me. He’s loud, confident, has his life together – basically he has a life while I feel like mine has been invaded by the forced drama. Earlier today I was thinking about how this person probably thinks I’m annoying which proved to be wrong as he texted me when we got home. Its just that I felt like I’m treating him like my old friends so I might have been “overly friendly” or “clingy”.

As much as I am happy to discover that I appeal interesting to some people, I’m super scared. I don’t like losing people and I tend to hang on to the memories they left me with which keeps me up at nights thinking why did they have to leave my life considering whatever situation it is that we passed through that made us part paths. I don’t feel like that any new friend I’m making will last for some reason. I’m pretty sure they’re not as paranoid as I am about this subject as I think I managed to show them that I’m a stable ground to them? They’ve mentioned it every once in a while that I’m a really good friend and don’t get me wrong they are good friends too its just that I think I’m comparing the level of comfort I have with my old friends whom I consider closer than family and the level of comfort I have with friends I’ve known for like what? A month? I Think I’ll just have to deal with this on my own since the problem lies within the irrational tangles of my brain.


-Panda/Deww

Distance.

Lately i’ve been going through exam times (and still in the process). This has made me more in touch with my emotional side a lot more often than usual.
Im not seeing my friends as often , im surpressing anger and tiredness into myself , because i don’t like to burden people with my problems.

This has made me realise im a very dependand person and i hate that. I require someone to share with. I dont have much company since im an only child and being away from friends is really hitting me hard.

Not to mention, next year i have a forced gap year, since theres something wrong with my years of school blah blah. This means all my friends are off to college ….leaving me alone …. i know its selfish to ask for people to ask about me when theyre busy but it really means a lot .

Ive been in bad moods and changing my good habbits to bad. Im scared to failing my exams and my social life.

My next option is just to distance myself from others to get used to being alone.

I find it hard to open up to people now even the ones close to me and the least things bother me and i cry a lot. Im starting to like the idea of being an intovert. Because i can never get hurt.

I think its starting to be a problem but theres no way around it but to just let it pass by. Maybe its all just stress. But i dont want anyones help because people just judge.

I wish i could somehow just take the people i love to somewhere nice and away and spend time with them.

-sigh- sorry this is just a venting post i really needed to share.

Have a happy day
Cookie//Alice

Project Zombie Closure

I blogged before about a person whom I named “Project Zombie” here. I failed. Actually I wouldn’t say I failed, I just didn’t want him as my zombie anymore. Project Zombie was suppose to turn him into someone nice and caring. It didn’t work at all.

How it started? Well his bestie needed him and he just decide to ignore him (project zombie doesn’t live in the same country as us so all he could do was call him on skype) because he wasn’t in the “mood” for arguments so he just said I don’t want to talk because I know we’ll argue and I don’t want that so instead I’m avoiding you (he said that on a whatsapp group so I’m sure on what really happened not what someone told me). Fight continued on us telling him he should answer his calls and its so rude of him to just ignore him like this and that he is acting selfishly. Suddenly he got angry and instead of the problem being on him ignoring his friend it became how all we are wrong and were pushing him to do something he shouldn’t and that he has a lot of stuff going on with his family so in conclusion we are the bad guys (Alice and I were trying to talk him into answering his bestie’s calls) because we were putting a lot of pressure on him instead of taking it off of him as how friends should do, now he didn’t really say that but the way he acted clearly meant that. Somehow he thinks that he helped everyone and no one actually does help him – we did stay up with him till four in the morning one day, but I guess this means nothing for him also I remember one time he broke down and Alice and I talked to him and tried to reassure that he is stronger that what he thinks. Isn’t that what friends do? He cant see this though. I don’t think he actually helped us as much as we did but we didn’t really care until he brought up the subject on how his “too much” kindness just causes people to use him. Apparently kindness for him is to ignore his friend when he needed him -.- he got me so angry. He’d be such a blind zombie plus zombies are cool and I don’t think he deserves to be zombie yet. Maybe when he understands that other people do have feelings and has their own life to deal with THEN he can become a zombie.

What happened next? Well he blocked all of us after sending a very harsh message to his bestie. I don’t think I can repeat what he said but end of story: he doesn’t want us as friends anymore. Blocked us. I really hope he realises soon that we aren’t bad people soon. He I don’t know him for long time but others do and are pretty sad how bad he changed. What he needs is a doctor that understands what he’s doing not me. *lesigh*

Now I’m just looking for a good person to turn into my zombie. I kinda think I found one

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Wahahahaha awesome, right?

On a totally different subject

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My nails break so fast -.- middle finger nail just broke like this, even after I applied nail varnish. I also like how nails look with water droplets on them ^_^

That’s it for now since I’m super sick and dizzy. Not sure how I have the strength to type all this. >.<

-Panda/Cookie

Its been a while

Its been a while, sorry >.< my excuse? exams and nothing is really happening to share. Good news though, I have one exam left. Cookie still has a lot left so she wont be blogging soon I guess.

Here is what happened today. I was suppose to go out with my friend today at around five but mum said I cant and now I think he is mad, not sure what was I suppose to do though. Not like I can drive there or something. Since I didn’t have enough sleep at night, I took a nap and woke up around 1. I haven’t drank green tea in quiet a while so I decided I’d do so today and I think I over did it, I have to use the bathroom like crazy now! Wahahaha. Drink or eat anything then suddenly running to the bathroom. Also I figured out a way to make your green tea taste better! Add a tsp of rose water to it. Makes it smell nicer and taste is good too, I get bored of green tea when I drink it a lot so I like to figure out new ways to spice it up. At around 7 I think, I kinda begged my famfam that we should go out and only got my Mother to agree… Fail. Wahaha actually I don’t mind, Sissy is getting on my nerves these days.

We sat at I Love Cafe which is by Fashiontv. Just opened up so they didn’t have their menus printed out yet but the interior was AH-MAZING.

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Super nice, right? Diamonds everywhere. I mean how awesome would it be if Diamond by Rihanna was playing when I entered wahaha. Rihanna was on but another song which I can’t remember now.

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Food and drinks weren’t bad there, maybe their drinks gets better when they are more prepared? Like print menus and everything goes into place.

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*sipsipsip*

The staff were pretty cool, talked with us for a bit and treated us nicely ^_^

We then went to have look at shops, totally regret it!

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Cute, right? Made a  good impression on what I’d be seeing for older ages. Saw this awesome blazer and was for 10,000+LE T_T my goodness, people are dying of hunger and they’re selling stuff with these prices? I mean why? I guess when I saw that it’s empty, I should’ve guessed the reason right away, huh?

Later I went and bought mum a mug and Alice’s Birthday gift no. 2

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Mum’s mug. Skating mug* wahahahaha, its so cuteeee! Unfortunately, I cannot share Alice’s gift now since we share this blog and she’ll see what it is, suppose to be a surprise, but its pretty guessable what it is now. hehehehe

I gtg now >_< I promise I’ll post again soon!  Probably tutorial too since I bought coconut milk and dunno how the hell will I use it o.O” hahahaha. Also if I get the chance to go to the arts and crafts store tomorrow, there will be a lot of fun tutorials coming upp!

-Panda/Cookie

Imma marry a punkk! :3

Today didn’t happen the way I planned at all! I planned on to finish 2 exams of physics. I barely finished onee! I have like 3 or 2 (cant remember exactly) half solved exams. I dislike continuing to solve them. Once I’ve stopped solving due to something happening, I probably never finish itt. Like I’d just start a new one. Just how it is like with music. If you’re listening to music then had to stop it for a long time, you’ll just have to replay. Unfortunately with physics I don’t do the replay button, I just skip the whole thing.

Today I was forced to wake up early to open to the maid. Since father was the only one home, had to make sure she doesn’t come up plus she needed stuff from upstairs so whenever I was fully comfortable in bed I’d have to get up again. After a while of this I just decided to stay up. Made some insta soup in my super cute Hello Kitty mug, enjoyed it while I played candy crush on my iphone.

I saw this video about oil cleansing method and decided to try it. It was recommended to use castor oil and something else, but since I just moved; the only kind of oil laying around was olive oil. I’ve honestly tried olive oil on my skin before and loved it, this time though it broke me out. Not sure why, all I know is that I have 3 volcanoes on my face right now, some rocks to decorate it too (scars) -.-

I started solving a new physics exam after trying to make my skin to look pretty and that was around 1pm i think. In my mind Thinking I have plenty of time to finish solving two exams until its 5. Reality was that the maid kept calling me every five minutes to ask what she should do. She’s new to the house so I had to provide her with help. As if that’s not enough, my mother kept calling me to ask how/when/where is my IT lesson. In result, I have a half solved exam. Actually i think I have like 2 or 3 questions left.

In the IT lesson my friend asked the teacher if its possible for her to get accepted in a collage abroad. We kept making jokes of how she should drop out of school and stay at home until the next subject on was marriage. We were all laughing until she mentioned she wanted to marry a punk, all innocent. I was like do you know wth does “punk” mean? Apparently she thought it was just the style. Teacher was like please don’t say this again. She googled images of punk style to prove her point, I was like “while you’re at it, google what punk means, but just don’t read out loud.” Teacher: “eh, I know her, she’s probably gonna post it on fb or something” wahahha. Realised how darn awkward it was in front of a teacher, if he wasn’t there I would have probably explain what it meant. Teacher was like let Panda tell you what it means when I leave. Good times, good times :”D

Now I’ll have to excuse myself to sleep, story time is finished now. Time for bedd! Good night/ good morning/ good afternoon/ good evening ! (= ̄ ρ ̄=) ..zzZZ

-Panda/Deww