Surrounded but Alone

I don’t talk much about myself. That’s why when I get the chance, I don’t like to let it pass by fast, because if I do allow it then people would have the idea that my life is perfect and I don’t someone by my side. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy but I want them to know that when I don’t call or check in with them, it’s not because i have forgotten about them – it’s because i need space. I can’t be the one you come to vent too all the time while I have no way to vent. That’s pretty understandable I think, but I have a feeling a lot of the people I know don’t get this. When I start talking they just end up changing the subject. I’m not sure why, is it because they’re not used to hearing me complain or is it because they don’t really get that sometimes I need to talk? I know that if I ever ask any of them to listen to me they will in a heartbeat but I’m not one to ask people for that.

One thing I especially hate in myself is that I’m not a responsible person. I can’t deal with situations alone. I’m always in need of someone. I blame this on my anxiety, but its a part of me that I cant get rid off of. No matter how nice the person is, they’re not gonna care about me more than I care. I really wish I had someone who cared enough to call me to check in, but who am I kidding? When people are used to coming to you for help or to hear whatever it is that’s troubling them, they don’t expect you to have problems of your own. It’s like being an uncertified and an unpaid psychiatrist. I mean dont get me wrong, I’m happy these people find comfort in me however, a simple “how have you been?” or “how is your life going?” would be nice to hear.

 

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Busy (Warning: Extreme Rant)

I know i haven’t uploaded much at all. Im not quite good at sharing my feelings most of the time, but this time its okay to say i should blow some steam.

Going into uni has changed some stuff. Its a big place and lots of effort is to be put in, and this effort takes time. People, more importantly friends, have been getting caught up in their own schedules.

Being sort of sentimental and not very welcome of change , ive tried to pretend om not very bothered by it. But sometimes i feel sort of forgotten. Left out of cliques and outing and its supposed to be a new start to getting new friends. People don’t really welcome people in much to their little cirlces , they are usually just engaged on an academic level but not very much socially.

I decided that i need to talk more and try, despite that it failed. Very little success at expanding the pool of people to be even aquainted with.

That sends me a feeling that i either depend too much on people or that ive just got to give up trying .

I dont really feel that close to the people im close with, i feel like im going to be left behind sooner or later. Everyone moves on. Everyone seems to have stuff that theyre engaged in. I even started to think back to sometimes when i lost close friends, how different would it be to not have left them or how it wouldve been if we’d stayed friends.

Its really haunting the feeling that you always care more than others. That its back to small talk and not much else. It hurts to feel like you’ve been forgotten and that you really are only remembered on convinience.

Being alone and lonely differ.Its not pretty being the latter, but its even worse when youre surrounded by people and no one even looks.
I don’t like to expect things from people, or about anything. Feeling like a burden when they think they should talk and keep up is a drag. I just hope i can invest into something that would turn this around or try atleast.

Thank you, if you’ve even made it down here. Have a cookie.

-K (Alice, Cookie)

Blog-tember Challenge Day 3 + Death

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Thursday, Sept. 3: Create a collage or inspiration/mood board that describes your blog.

  • Methods of Ventilation
  • Inspiration
  • Makeup
  • Traditional Art
  • Cosplays
  • Photography
  • Recipes
  • Nail Art
  • Poetry
  • Shopping
  • Personal/Deep thoughts

Doing a moodboard is really hard when you share a blog >.< especially that Alice isn’t active so I just added stuff I know she blogged about.

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Death

Today, after I finished my papers in uni I decided I was really tired so slept. I had a really weird dream, one of my friends died. When I woke up, my sister told me that our neighbour’s son died and mum went to the funeral. Their Villa is separated to apartments and he lived on the apartment above them. He worked as an interior designer and because of his job he travels a lot and comes back home without notifying them. Apparently he died 3 days ago and they didn’t know that he was even home, they just decided to check his apartment because of the stench, they thought his cat died. I can’t imagine how they felt when they found their son lying there dead and rotting.

I cant help but think about my death too, will I go unnoticed too? Its just so weird how easily a life ends. Yesterday, my friend’s friend died in a car accident.  Am I gonna be next? I’m not scared of death as much as I’m scared of not having the chance to share what I love for this world. I have plans, even though I’m sure that 90% of them wont come to life. I just want to do something of significance before I go ..

-Panda/Deww

Whats your existential fear. 

 Its weird how I got the idea of this from a silly online Disney quiz. The question was “Whats your existential fear?”. My answer was “to make a difference”. How will I be remembered if I die now? The answer is I wouldn’t be remembered for anything. I’ll just cause people pain for my loss, which is better than nothing tbh, but will they say “She was a good person.”, “I never heard her talk about about people” and “She was so selfless” – the shitt we hear being said about whoever is dead. At least I have people around me and I wont just die on the couch only to be found by the stench of my corpse. 

 I want to do something for the world before I die, I don’t want to be just another human to walk on this planet; I want to be someone. And yet, I cant pass school. 

 I used to think that I made a difference to my family and that was definitely enough for me, but I never thought I’d have to die in order for them to realise. I thought on of us [my siblings and I] got sick they’d just wake up from the pain they’re causing us, but that proved to be way wrong… Man was I wrong. I got asthma and turns out my heart muscles are to weak and that never stopped him. Hell I staid in bed for over a weak barely able to wake up and he didn’t even care enough to pick up his phone and call me, didn’t even ask my sister about me and he did know I was super sick. My sister has a huge thing with her health and needs to run a lot of blood tests and heart scan and all he cares about is that he paid money for her gym membership and she didn’t go yet. 

 I don’t want to die like this. I don’t want to die yet, I need to make a difference first. Something big to mend those empty pieces in my life. However, I need to end the misery I’m living first and it doesn’t seem like it will ever end. I know it wont. Its like I’m living in an endless spiral. 

 I do believe that good things happen, but it seems too far from me. I’m physically a short person and apparently short in everything else. 

 I’m just goin to exit this world like I never came. Most probably I wont be judged – I wont have anything to be judged upon. I’m not a bad person, I’ve done good things. I’m not a good person either, I’ve done bad things. I don’t know what I am. Maybe I’m like those corals in the sea. Since they naturally exist, we need them, though when we go swimming we tend to avoid them. 

 I met someone who’s a lot like me but with a huge difference. His existence makes a difference. He’s capable of doing change. He used to be a bad person and accepted this and now is on the road to become better. Maybe this is why he’s not feeling like how I feel, the difference is his life gives him chances/opportunities and mine doesn’t. Good stuff happen, but not to me. This is why I day dream. In my dreams, my life isn’t that different actually however it allows me chances to make a difference. 

 I’m not an ungrateful person. I have a really good mum that I can’t live without and the best friends ever but my life is still meaningless. What I want to do is give my life a definition before I die. 

 
-Panda/Deww 

Losing a friend…

Losing a friend is hard. Especially when you’ve done a lot to them and be treated back with Ungratefulness and realising how shameless the person is. I wasn’t hurt however. I knew from the start that our friendship wouldn’t have lasted, but still I was disappointed.

I received her as a shipwreck and did my best to fix her back and I did a pretty good job even though I didn’t get to finish my work. I’m pretty proud of myself.

Knowing that she needed a lot of help, I still wanted to befriend her and help her out through her rough time. I continuously ignored my friends warning of being near her and stood up for her, reasoning that she was lost and is finally finding her way back on the road.

Being beside her made me happy, not just because I was helping someone but because she unknowingly made me stronger. I didn’t expect to receive shit from this friendship as I knew she was too broken to lend a helping hand and I was okay with that, but know she has something of mine that wont help her any way possible, but you still insist on ignoring me and wont give it back. I did not expect this shameless-ness or rudeness from her.

I expected to be hurt from the way she’s acting and surprisingly enough I’m not. I cannot wait to get my wallet back from her to finally cut all strings that keeps us together. It would relief me from that rage and anger I hold towards her.

As if God is trying to tell me not to care about her, he sent me one of her friends to wish me a new year and just by that he becomes a good friend of mine. He might not be the best person to befriend, but he respects me and faces what he did wrong instead of pretending to be a good person.

“I don’t regret one bit that I let you in my life, though I deeply hope that you would tilt your hear down and look at the gold ring on your finger that I gifted you and feel it burn with shame you should be feeling.”

I really wish she would come back and apologise – no I wont lend her my friendship again but at least I would know that she believes I’ve don’t good for her. I know I did good for her, I don’t need a confirmation. I just want to know it didn’t go to a waste.

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-Panda/Deww

My Best Friend

Hello everyone!
My bestie wrote this awesomesause … “Thing” – idk what is it suppose to be called, an essay on life? I would say a diary post but he’d tell me men don’t keep diaries. Annnyway XD I’m just gonna paste it here so you guise could read it because we both would like to share it. Buckle up your seat belts and ready yourselves since this is a long post.

Enjoy~

Ahmad:

He woke up thinking about her, not the girl he loves no she broke his heart a long time ago, he was thinking about his best friend, she hurt him the day before, which wasn’t the peculiar part he was used to people doing that, what really confused him was how he felt afterwards. She made him feel pathetic and that made him angry, not the feeling he used to get before, usually he felt like it was the inevitable happening “I deserve it” he thought.
No he didn’t deserve it he was a normal boy drowning in problems caused by people that didn’t care that it was overwhelming him because he listened in a world that turned listening into a lost art so they would talk about their problems and he would feel bad for them and then they would lash out because he didn’t know what to say but to him words were useless, they were just words what difference did it make if he used them for love or hate they would never actually listen the just liked the gesture and he wasn’t interested in wasting his breath. Ironically he would listen to the insults and he would let them stab him in the back and humiliate him because he didn’t know what else to do, they were all he had. For the first time in his life he was thinking “I don’t deserve this, this isn’t even my fault.” It was beautiful, after 17 years he finally understood that other people having problems didn’t justify the way he was treated. Could it be that the sessions with the therapist had actually worked? Right now that didn’t matter what mattered was his best friend he would have to fix things with her because even though it wasn’t even his fault, she was his best friend and that’s what friends do.
He felt numb, he simply felt like he did not give a fuck, and it felt exquisite he loved days like these no matter what happened today it wouldn’t matter. He called his dad, who took his time to make fun of him for going to a therapist, he told him that his sister was really upset and that he should call her and make sure she was okay. After it was done he felt nothing, no anger, nothing I guess the world does grant some wishes. He thought of death but he proceeded to think about his dream of a small house with a dog and a wife that made going home something to look forward to, it wasn’t much but it was what happiness and freedom looked like. “I wish people would realize that happiness is simple it’s basically just loving what you’re doing.” Maybe happiness is what you think you can never get or was that greed? He could never tell. He was going about his normal daily routine when he saw that the girl he liked had texted him, he still felt numb so he didn’t get that usual happy feeling, I guess there’s a downside to everything. He texted her back thinking about what his therapist told him “Pick the girl that supports you” he had said he wondered if she was the supportive type, she had listened to him when he was actually talking to her and she was opening up to him. It’s funny how the world works. He met her through a mutual friend, Courtney, her best friend, incidentally Courtney’s other best friend Courtney 2, which is what he liked to call her for obvious reasons, had told him she wasn’t interested in being his friend the first met because “It’s enough I have to listen to Courtney talk about you I don’t want to have to talk to you to.” He told her he wasn’t interested in talking to replicas so she needn’t worry her little head, which earned him a death stare but it was definitely worth it. The girl he liked, Jennifer was really cool and she obviously liked what he had to say, he wasn’t sure if she liked him back or not, to him it didn’t really matter that much he always thought he was lucky when he liked a girl because it always meant she was special and having someone special in your life should always cheer you up.
His opinions were usually weird; he also saw no point in keeping things a secret he simply didn’t care if people said things about him anymore. Why should I care about the judgment of people I would never have as friends. He went to his room to read his head was flooded with his own thoughts, he needed something to ground him and a book seemed like the perfect solution, but while he was looking for a book he was contemplating how he had come to accept his flaws he hoped others would do the same. Maybe I’ll end up saving the world, God knows they need saving.

-Panda/Cookie

P.S. He got an A* in English second lang.

PP.S. I used to copy his homework.

PPP.S. I got a B, wtf XD

Popular topic: Procrastinati….ill finish it later.

Oh my gosh ! This is one of the biggest problems in my life since forever.. I started this problem since 6th grade and gahhhhh. I used to leave my homework will LAST MINUTE (i still do hehe) and then stay up all night doing it then not get up really happy for school (or anything but more sleep). Im naturally kind of a lazy person esp if this thing involves numbers or maths…i will ditch it or set it on fire if i have to. But annwhyoo teachers LOVE me. My friends call me a kiss ass sometimes. But hey. You gotta make the teachers love right? You get extra stuff and they hate it when they upset you. Ahh i love being a teachers pet.

Im not reallyyy a trouble maker. Takes effort. I don’t like hanging out with people i have to put effort into socialising with. I CAN multi task you would be surprised. If i have something important id rather work on it in a smaller amount of time so im under pressure and MUST finish it !

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I cannot express my love for this guy, he has helped me so far and will most likely help me graduate and have a successful life. Thanks Mr, Copy Paste. Really i admire you. You saved thousands of procrastinators with their lives. “Oh shiz I didnt do my homework”, “Dude just copy paste something and change it around”. Yes , i do that sometimes.

This is not a good habit i know i know. But sometimes you do it because you are bored or tired or cant be bothered to do something ON THE SPOT and you go like “MEHHH ill do this later., “Ive still got time” “this isnt due till next month”.

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WARNING: This post is highly accurate.Image

So yeah im kind of procrastinating right now..So i better go.

Byee Y’all !
Cookie//Alice