Koi fish painting

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(First picture is w/o flash and the second is w/flash)

According to a Japanese Legend, if a koi is able to swim up the falls at a point called Dragon Gate on the Yellow River, it would be transformed into a dragon. That being said, it wasn’t what inspired me to paint this. My best friend is currently in China and played with the koi fish there. He was so proud of touching the fish it was adorable so I decided to save this memory in a painting.

I planned to give it to him when he’s back but he’s going to be away for 6 more weeks and he wasn’t feeling so well, so this picture came at the right time xD he was so happy with it – one of the cutest moments i experienced in life tbh. He decided that we are the fish and that I’m the one behind, because I’m always looking after him (hes such a beautiful creature, right?). Originally I wanted him to be the one on the back because I’m more satisfied with how it looks, but his reasoning was better. I’m so grateful to have this koi dragon human in my life ❤

The Fishermen know that the sea is dangerous and the storm is terrible, but they never found that a sufficient reason for remaining ashore” – Vincent Van Gogh

-Panda/Deww

Beach Please

I could start every blog post from now on with how its long over due and blame it on college which isn’t true because I’m a procrastinator, meaning that I had multiple occasions where I could have updated this goddamn blog but chose admire my bedroom’s ceiling instead. Seriously though, I’ve wasted so much time this year just laying in bed and enjoying the beauty of my ceilling while day dreaming about me having a life. Which I do have a life I just choose to ignore it and lie in bed. Beds are addicting, I gotta tell you that.

Moving onn. I think it was after our midterms when Alice and I decided to go to Sukhna (Egypt) for a day with friends. It was a really good and needed day in my life. We got to rest … While making fun of our professors by the beach. sighhh

 

The amount spent fishing that day was ridiculous; close to 9 hours maybe ? Oh god I don’t even want to count. Kinda glad I don’t fish. It was another friend who supposedly fishes all the time. He ended up catching a pathetic looking fish – no discrimination against any fish though XD It was so embarrassing, I mean I wouldn’t have been surprised if we would have fished a “it’s not me, its you” note from the ocean. We tried all typed of baits available and it was obvious the ocean hated us. At least I learned how to open shells.

We collected a lot of cute looking shells and rocks that come to think of it now – our friend took them home and we haven’t seen them since 😐 along the way, we found a tiny crab (?) that we named Shelldon and gave him an empty shell as gf in order to trick him into poking outside of his shell.

 

-Panda/Deww

Paranoid?

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Ever stopped and wondered about what people thought of you when they first met you? I always was under the impression that people didn’t think much of me. I’m just this quiet tiny girl sitting there with nothing to say to join in on the subject being discussed. Even-though there are a 1000 though crossing my mind, I struggle to find something to say. I might have a lot going in my tiny head, but there are like 0 thoughts that are related to whats happening around me – I’m always lost in thought. Due to my zoned out nature, its hard to consider that people see me as an interesting person.

Since I started college, I realised that people see more to me than I think I offer. There is no complaining that they still see the quiet girl, its just that apparently I give of a mysterious vibe. I’m impressed, you know. I didn’t even need to use a smoke device and wear black shades to appear mysterious. Something about me spiked some of my new friends’ interest. Just today I was told by a new guy friend that since the first day he saw me I captured his attention despite being quiet, he felt like there is something about me he needs to discover – which by the way he still hasn’t figured out what it is. He isn’t the only person that admitted to me that they thought that I seemed interesting even if I look rather unsocial. I think he was the one who inspired me to write this now because he’s literally 180 degrees different than me. He’s loud, confident, has his life together – basically he has a life while I feel like mine has been invaded by the forced drama. Earlier today I was thinking about how this person probably thinks I’m annoying which proved to be wrong as he texted me when we got home. Its just that I felt like I’m treating him like my old friends so I might have been “overly friendly” or “clingy”.

As much as I am happy to discover that I appeal interesting to some people, I’m super scared. I don’t like losing people and I tend to hang on to the memories they left me with which keeps me up at nights thinking why did they have to leave my life considering whatever situation it is that we passed through that made us part paths. I don’t feel like that any new friend I’m making will last for some reason. I’m pretty sure they’re not as paranoid as I am about this subject as I think I managed to show them that I’m a stable ground to them? They’ve mentioned it every once in a while that I’m a really good friend and don’t get me wrong they are good friends too its just that I think I’m comparing the level of comfort I have with my old friends whom I consider closer than family and the level of comfort I have with friends I’ve known for like what? A month? I Think I’ll just have to deal with this on my own since the problem lies within the irrational tangles of my brain.


-Panda/Deww

Vanishing Freedom

It feels like little by little the control I have over my life is being stripped away and its not like I have much control over it any ways, but it does matter to me. I barely have a lead on anything thats going on with my life but I thought at least I can enjoy the little things that make me happy. Like rain. It rarely rains in Egypt so I would soak in it in the few days it rains over here and now he wants to take that away from me too? I’m getting bottled up and I have no idea how I’ll explode this time. One thing I know for sure is that my explosion would do only worse for me and it wont affect any one else. I thought starting college will give me my own life but it didn’t. It just takes up hours of my day, nothing more. My life is still under the invasion of my family and I have no idea if I’ll ever be free from this but I’d like to think positively of my future… Its whats keeping me breathing.

Even though I’ve already started college I cant stop my day dreams of me being a different person in college. Its not like I can easily change the real me to fit the cookie cutter of the person I made in my head.

I’m not sure how I’ll survive college. The only thing I used to be good at is drawing – its what made me unique. Now I’m thrown in with a bunch of other potential artists so that makes me not interesting at all. If anything, I’m less. They all have trophies to remind them of the things they’ve done while I’m just sitting there realised that I’ve pretty much done nothing in my life. I can’t even change that because my only talent was art which I know that I’m not so good at and I accept this, I just hate how much of a no-lifer I am.

You know what I would like for to happen? If this blog became famous. When I first started this blog I wanted to be like Xiaxue; I know that its like aiming for the stars, but this blog was a part of my day dreams. I’m not sure if I can make this blog big, but I enjoy blogging so I’ll keep going and see where this will go.
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-Panda/Deww

Heroin Addiction ✧

IMG_1571[1]Today I started watching this show about drug addiction, a lot of Egyptians probably have finished watching it already. Its called Taht ElSaytara (Under Control). I couldn’t help but see myself in the lead actress, we share a lot of traits with a few small but at the same time major differences. We both overthink everything, we’re not good with confrontations, we’re both stuck in lives we can’t control and we fear losing control of our lives, we fear a lot of stuff, especially lonelliness but we’re both strong. We chose different passes to deal with our lives and this is due to our different traits. I have anxiety disorder. My anxiety controls me, it makes me think of the unthinkable. I think about something before it happens, its results and consequences; its usually just delusions and nothing ever happens, but I still worry about it until I feel like my body is struggling from addiction. Surprisingly, my anxiety saves me from narcotics. The lead character dove intro narcotics to escape “now”, but escaping isn’t forever and I want something forever however this is called death and I don’t want to die. I have a lot of dreams and I wont rest until I make at least one of those dreams come true. My method of escaping consists of dreaming, either asleep or awake. While still watching this series I thought maybe that evil faux friend haven’t tripped me yet, but will get to do so in the future and I’d fall. As if the computer heard me and and decided to reply me, a sentence was said, “… Some people just never think of it.”. Even though this laptop I’m using isn’t mine, but it definitely is a damn good friend – it answered my question if I’ll ever fall. I won’t. I never thought about drugs or even alcohol for that matter. I hate being controlled and I’m not one of those stupid people who just doesn’t believe that these substances can’t control me. They’re not a living thing, this doesn’t mean its weaker than humans. If medicines can heal our bodies then narcotics can destroy us. The only control we have over it is to take its pass or not. I hate losing control of myself, it scares me beyond anyone could begin to understand. The character just wanted to lose control at the moment, she didn’t have anxiety to make her worry about the aftermath, she just wanted to stop thinking for a while and she thought that this break would help. It doesn’t, never does. When I started it hookah, it wasn’t because I was just going with the flow. I had researched it before and when the chance came, I tried it and liked it. Its not as addicting as cigarettes so I knew I was safe. So its not that I just “realised” what I’m doing, I knew exactly what I was doing. When I found that I’ve taken I liking to it, the option of vaping appeared to me. I should order one soon as I’ve saved up its money. I thought that I’ve already got people in my life hurting me and unfortunately for me I can’t just rid myself of them so I can’t be hurting myself too. One day I’ll leave this life and I need myself to be ready for this not broken to pieces. I don’t want an escape, I want a solution so I wont have to deal with this shit anymore. -Panda/Deww

Red eye Makeup 

I’ve been loving red eyeshadows for quite a while but never really had the chance to try it out as I thought I don’t own one but apparently I do wtf. My 88 color palette cool matte eyeshadow has this brownish looking colour but its actually reddish. 

  

  • The Body Shop’s Instablur all-in-one primer
  • lancôme’s Teint Idole Ultra 24H foundation in no. 01 Beige Albatre
  • Maybelline’s Clear Smooth All In One Shine Free Cake Powder in no. 01 Nude Beige
  • bH Cosmetics 88 Color Palette Cool Matte Eyeshadow
  • The Body Shop’s Liquid Eyeliner in no. 1
  • Catrice Kohl Kajal pencil in no. 040 White

I love this look to be honest, especially this day I looked really pretty – its shame I didn’t take more photos >.< I was already late

{I just blent in the red all over my eye lid and blent it away to make my eyes look longer. To highlight, I’d suggest avoiding white. I used a very small amount of shimmery pink eyeshadow on the brow bone and the middle of my eyelid and blent it really well}
Yesterday I repeated the same makeup look, because I woke up at 9am and had nothing better to do than play with makeup. However, I changed it up a bit. 

  
I used a purple eyeshadow before the red on the outer V of the lid to give more depth and used Wet’n’Wild’s megaprotein Mascara on my lower lashes only.

  
The Body Shop’s instablur primer could actually be used as an eyeshadow primer, makes the eyeshadows more vibrant and it makes all of my make up last longer so it would probably do the same with eyeshadow 😛

  
I added a little bit of Catrice’s Sun Glow Matte Bronzing Powder for Light Skin alond my jawline and sides of my nose and Wet’n’Wild’s coloricon lipliner in no. 712 Willow to my lips.


Camwhore attack!

  
My eyes looks like some kind of thorned rose wtf

  
Why does half of my face look better than all of my face? x.x

  
  
That’s it I guess, I don’t want to turn this blog to place of unprofessional selfies. Maybe one day I’ll learn to take good professional photos of my makeup that I wouldn’t be embarrassed to post (^^,)

  

Dress Shopping 

I’ve been wanting a new maxi dress since forever! I think everyone should own at least 1 maxi dress because they’re so comfortable and they could easily make you look dolled up without any effort. 
So I went to Cairo Festival Mall to shop. Was pretty happy about the amount of sales there tbh and it wasn’t crowded till the point you would want to scream bloody murder for people to walk faster. I mean why? Why do people like to stand infront of store doors like either get in or get your ass movin’. Anyway the crowd was still there but not as annoying as it would normally be considering that I went at around 10pm and there was a sale. 
Here is what I bought~

  
This is from Reserved. The dress’ top isn’t suppose to be loose like this, but I’m short so I had to pull the elastic waist thingie up so I wouldn’t smash my face. 

  
Crochet dress from American Eagle. This dress was a last piece and it was only available in size medium, however this happens to work in my favour as the dress shouldn’t be this long actually. It looked like it should hang between feet and knees which I personally think would look super effin’ awkward. Like imagine someone asking of your dress is suppose to count as long or short and you just stand there sweating like and idiot because the dress comes half way wtf what is this length called, average? The perks of being a tiny human is that this is dress is a long dress on me. 
  
In the fitting room, I found this awesome thing. Its a button that turns on a blinker outside your fitting room so that it would alert the person sitting in the fitting room area folding random clothes (idk what the job is called wtfbbq) that you need their help. Idk if this is available normally in other countries but it sure doesn’t here in Egypt. 
  
I went for a coffee break, because I had a blazing headache and I couldn’t locate Brioche Dorée so I hate to settle for Starbucks. Turned out pretty well since they had a new cookie crumbs frappé added and it tastes so goooooooood. 

   
 
I continued my shopping from there but I didn’t buy anything more. These head pieces were adorable but fucking expensive for just little things BUT camwhoring is free so screw it. 

The hat would’ve looked amazing with the crochet dress but *sob sob*

  

So on an unrelated topic

  
My sister sent me this, any spn fans here?

I’m born in August, my parent would be Rowena! Dude I’m fucked up. Rowena? This is the most evil character ever on the show! She literally sold her son for three pigs, I have no idea what she would do with me >.<

~