Surrounded but Alone

I don’t talk much about myself. That’s why when I get the chance, I don’t like to let it pass by fast, because if I do allow it then people would have the idea that my life is perfect and I don’t someone by my side. I don’t want anyone’s sympathy but I want them to know that when I don’t call or check in with them, it’s not because i have forgotten about them – it’s because i need space. I can’t be the one you come to vent too all the time while I have no way to vent. That’s pretty understandable I think, but I have a feeling a lot of the people I know don’t get this. When I start talking they just end up changing the subject. I’m not sure why, is it because they’re not used to hearing me complain or is it because they don’t really get that sometimes I need to talk? I know that if I ever ask any of them to listen to me they will in a heartbeat but I’m not one to ask people for that.

One thing I especially hate in myself is that I’m not a responsible person. I can’t deal with situations alone. I’m always in need of someone. I blame this on my anxiety, but its a part of me that I cant get rid off of. No matter how nice the person is, they’re not gonna care about me more than I care. I really wish I had someone who cared enough to call me to check in, but who am I kidding? When people are used to coming to you for help or to hear whatever it is that’s troubling them, they don’t expect you to have problems of your own. It’s like being an uncertified and an unpaid psychiatrist. I mean dont get me wrong, I’m happy these people find comfort in me however, a simple “how have you been?” or “how is your life going?” would be nice to hear.

 

Beach Please

I could start every blog post from now on with how its long over due and blame it on college which isn’t true because I’m a procrastinator, meaning that I had multiple occasions where I could have updated this goddamn blog but chose admire my bedroom’s ceiling instead. Seriously though, I’ve wasted so much time this year just laying in bed and enjoying the beauty of my ceilling while day dreaming about me having a life. Which I do have a life I just choose to ignore it and lie in bed. Beds are addicting, I gotta tell you that.

Moving onn. I think it was after our midterms when Alice and I decided to go to Sukhna (Egypt) for a day with friends. It was a really good and needed day in my life. We got to rest … While making fun of our professors by the beach. sighhh

 

Sun Dollar

De-puffed puffer fish found in a net

The amount spent fishing that day was ridiculous; close to 9 hours maybe ? Oh god I don’t even want to count. Kinda glad I don’t fish. It was another friend who supposedly fishes all the time. He ended up catching a pathetic looking fish – no discrimination against any fish though XD It was so embarrassing, I mean I wouldn’t have been surprised if we would have fished a “it’s not me, its you” note from the ocean. We tried all typed of baits available and it was obvious the ocean hated us. At least I learned how to open shells.

We collected a lot of cute looking shells and rocks that come to think of it now – our friend took them home and we haven’t seen them since 😐 along the way, we found a tiny crab (?) that we named Shelldon and gave him an empty shell as gf in order to trick him into poking outside of his shell.

 

-Panda/Deww

The Price

 

31/12 /15 rain

 Around 9th grade I started noticing how a lot of people my age are passing away. Car accidents were really popular around that time and the people who passed away were fortunately just faces to me. I didn’t know any of them but I could have. They were friends of my friends and couldve easily been mine’s too if I was more social. I didn’t want to make a lot of friends. I was scared if I had a lot of friends I’d lose them to death. So I avoided it. 

I think it was around 12th grade that i thought the way I’m thinking is completely irrational and that people die anyway I shouldn’t let this stop me from making friends. I’m now in college and one of the first people I get close too is super sick. I feel like this is a way fate is punishing me in. Its weird that I feel guilty – like I’m the reason his life might end. He didn’t discover disease until we started getting close. Is this possible? That I could be the cause.. I mean I know deep down that this makes no sense but its a feeling that has been bugging me and I needed to let it out. 

I always believed that life had an algorithm it goes by and people just have to cope with the situations until it ends so maybe his disease isn’t a part of my life? Its his to face and too me its just a situation where I show if I’m a worthy friend. I used to think of myself as a weak person because I couldn’t stand up for my friends but lately I’ve changed a lot. Maybe my role here is to prove myself as a good friend. Stand up next to a friend who needs support. I cant really provide much except support it just feels like I should be able to do more because I see him almost daily. I’m not as involved as it feels. 

Paranoid?

Ever stopped and wondered about what people thought of you when they first met you? I always was under the impression that people didn’t think much of me. I’m just this quiet tiny girl sitting there with nothing to say to join in on the subject being discussed. Even-though there are a 1000 though crossing my mind, I struggle to find something to say. I might have a lot going in my tiny head, but there are like 0 thoughts that are related to whats happening around me – I’m always lost in thought. Due to my zoned out nature, its hard to consider that people see me as an interesting person.

Since I started college, I realised that people see more to me than I think I offer. There is no complaining that they still see the quiet girl, its just that apparently I give of a mysterious vibe. I’m impressed, you know. I didn’t even need to use a smoke device and wear black shades to appear mysterious. Something about me spiked some of my new friends’ interest. Just today I was told by a new guy friend that since the first day he saw me I captured his attention despite being quiet, he felt like there is something about me he needs to discover – which by the way he still hasn’t figured out what it is. He isn’t the only person that admitted to me that they thought that I seemed interesting even if I look rather unsocial. I think he was the one who inspired me to write this now because he’s literally 180 degrees different than me. He’s loud, confident, has his life together – basically he has a life while I feel like mine has been invaded by the forced drama. Earlier today I was thinking about how this person probably thinks I’m annoying which proved to be wrong as he texted me when we got home. Its just that I felt like I’m treating him like my old friends so I might have been “overly friendly” or “clingy”.

As much as I am happy to discover that I appeal interesting to some people, I’m super scared. I don’t like losing people and I tend to hang on to the memories they left me with which keeps me up at nights thinking why did they have to leave my life considering whatever situation it is that we passed through that made us part paths. I don’t feel like that any new friend I’m making will last for some reason. I’m pretty sure they’re not as paranoid as I am about this subject as I think I managed to show them that I’m a stable ground to them? They’ve mentioned it every once in a while that I’m a really good friend and don’t get me wrong they are good friends too its just that I think I’m comparing the level of comfort I have with my old friends whom I consider closer than family and the level of comfort I have with friends I’ve known for like what? A month? I Think I’ll just have to deal with this on my own since the problem lies within the irrational tangles of my brain.

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-Panda/Deww

Vanishing Freedom

It feels like little by little the control I have over my life is being stripped away and its not like I have much control over it any ways, but it does matter to me. I barely have a lead on anything thats going on with my life but I thought at least I can enjoy the little things that make me happy. Like rain. It rarely rains in Egypt so I would soak in it in the few days it rains over here and now he wants to take that away from me too? I’m getting bottled up and I have no idea how I’ll explode this time. One thing I know for sure is that my explosion would do only worse for me and it wont affect any one else. I thought starting college will give me my own life but it didn’t. It just takes up hours of my day, nothing more. My life is still under the invasion of my family and I have no idea if I’ll ever be free from this but I’d like to think positively of my future… Its whats keeping me breathing.

Even though I’ve already started college I cant stop my day dreams of me being a different person in college. Its not like I can easily change the real me to fit the cookie cutter of the person I made in my head.

I’m not sure how I’ll survive college. The only thing I used to be good at is drawing – its what made me unique. Now I’m thrown in with a bunch of other potential artists so that makes me not interesting at all. If anything, I’m less. They all have trophies to remind them of the things they’ve done while I’m just sitting there realised that I’ve pretty much done nothing in my life. I can’t even change that because my only talent was art which I know that I’m not so good at and I accept this, I just hate how much of a no-lifer I am.

You know what I would like for to happen? If this blog became famous. When I first started this blog I wanted to be like Xiaxue; I know that its like aiming for the stars, but this blog was a part of my day dreams. I’m not sure if I can make this blog big, but I enjoy blogging so I’ll keep going and see where this will go.

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-Panda/Deww

Last Walk On The Beach. {photography}

Green Beach, North Coast, Egypt

I took these photos on my last day there, before we started on our trip back home, we decided to take a walk on the beach. The Beach was extra green this time, usually its of a beautiful turquoise colour – you know the kind of blue you see in instagram photos. I don’t mind the green though, it matched the name of the place.

I hoped to find relaxation on this trip as I would start college as soon as I returned back to Cairo, sadly I didn’t get relax as much as I want too. I wanted a carefree time but for some reason I’ve been having a hard time not worrying. My anxiety is going crazy these days and its not because of college, hopefully I’ll figure out what is exactly happening to me soon.

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-Panda/Deww

Blog-tember Challenge Day 3 + Death

Thursday, Sept. 3: Create a collage or inspiration/mood board that describes your blog.

• Methods of Ventilation
• Inspiration
• Makeup
• Traditional Art
• Cosplays
• Photography
• Recipes
• Nail Art
• Poetry
• Shopping
• Personal/Deep thoughts

Doing a moodboard is really hard when you share a blog >.< especially that Alice isn’t active so I just added stuff I know she blogged about.

Death

Today, after I finished my papers in uni I decided I was really tired so slept. I had a really weird dream, one of my friends died. When I woke up, my sister told me that our neighbour’s son died and mum went to the funeral. Their Villa is separated to apartments and he lived on the apartment above them. He worked as an interior designer and because of his job he travels a lot and comes back home without notifying them. Apparently he died 3 days ago and they didn’t know that he was even home, they just decided to check his apartment because of the stench, they thought his cat died. I can’t imagine how they felt when they found their son lying there dead and rotting.

I cant help but think about my death too, will I go unnoticed too? Its just so weird how easily a life ends. Yesterday, my friend’s friend died in a car accident.  Am I gonna be next? I’m not scared of death as much as I’m scared of not having the chance to share what I love for this world. I have plans, even though I’m sure that 90% of them wont come to life. I just want to do something of significance before I go ..

-Panda/Deww

PST – Harry Potter event {Bellatrix Inspired outfit} + Blog-tember Challenge Day 1

Last Saturday, I was invited to a Harry Potter event held by PST (Patient Support Team). Its a non-profit organisation made by a group of medical students from Cairo’s University that donates all the money it makes to local hospitals.

The acceptance letter + Marauder’s Map

The letters are super cute and definitely something I’ll keep for memories. The necklaces are both mine, Alice purchased the time turner for me x3

The letter opener was made by mum in 1993 during christmas, I’m not sure if she actually made it or just engraved the lettering on it.

Makeup + Hair + Outfit

Super Dark like Bellatrix and I crimped the hair to me have her messy hair. Something I really like about the villains in Harry Potter is that their outfits isn’t something that would take them 40 minutes every morning to do like in other movies, except that bitch Umbridge.

I arrived 2 hours late for the event because my sister had an event also I’m confused why would they start at 12pm on a really hot and sunny day? I got so dizzy after a few hours that I had to leave. What I missed in these two hours was the house sorting, quite sad as I wanted to know how they chose houses for each person. I think since they had our names before the event, they had the houses sorted already.

Chess

Horcrux Hunt

Basically,you just form a team and then you would all work together to find all the horcrux then give them back so they would hide them again and another team would go in to look for them. I didn’t enter since I mentioned how sunny it is and even though I love the sunlight, my body refuses it so bad. I get dizzy and possibly would have to deal with a painful asthma attack, I guess this how a vampire feels when in sunlight? However my friend tried it out and he said its actually pretty hard to find the horcrux.

Goblet of Fire

They had a movie night organised which I left before it started, so you would just vote for the movie you wanted to play and put it in the goblet of fire.

Duals

I lost against him x.x first thing he said was you wouldn’t last two minutes in harry potter books XD I’m not gonna argue with that though, there are to many spells to memories and I can barely remember my friends’ names wahhahahhahaha I’d probably just stab people with my wand.

The People

Me + The flying Hogwarts letters

Flying Keys. I like how they paid attention to the decorations.

Luna Lovegood

Professor Trelawney. She was my favourite cosplayer there o.o

Professor Dumbledore looking fucking judgemental XD

Neville Longbottom ❤ He looks adorable. Can we also note how short am I considering I’m wearing a mile-high heels?

Thats all I did in the event. Honestly It could have been way better but it wasn’t well organised, they did mention that they didn’t expect this much of people to want to attend so I’m guessing this is what made it so messy? It would be much better if they repeat it during the winter considering that the movies were all filmed in the winter so we would be able to stand wearing costumes. I wanted to cosplay Ron (who else is a Ron fan? 0_0) but I’d have to wear a wig and being asthmatic, I avoid anything that would cause my body to cook during the Summer wtf.

 

The 2015 Blog-tember Challenge

I’ve been wanting to join in one of those blogger challenges forever and I finally have the chance and I’m not gonna fucking let it go m(@,..,@)m

This one is by braveloveblog, THANK YOU FOR THE CHALLENGE :3

Day one is “Tuesday, Sept. 1: Introduce yourself however you like! Pics, vlog, collage, your choice :)”

un-edited photo of me 0.0#

My real name is Nada not Dew. Its an arabic name which means Dew, I use Dew to go by online as usually all the people that I chat with are foreigners and get really confused when I mention that my name is Nada as it means nothing in Spanish I think? But I can assure you that my parents did not hate me this much to name me Nothing wtfbbq.

I’m 19 years old now, my birthday was on The 26th (August) which kinda sucked if you’re wondering xD I was born in Egypt but moved to Kuwait when I was 6 months old due to my father’s work. We moved back to Egypt when I was 8 years old because my granny had cancer, may her soul rest in peace now ._.

In School, starting from 5th grade I always had to deal with the trouble of fitting in. I was always this shy and quite person and I still am due to my anxiety so hopefully this will be fixed in College as now I have an understanding of myself so I’d know how to deal with myself.

Despite not being able to travel a lot in my life so far I have dreams to travel the world, starting with Japan. I used to watch a buttload of anime as a kid and around 8-9th grade I started going back to anime which sparked my interest about Japan and ever since then I’ve been dreaming to travel to Japan. I didn’t really have much friends and no one shared interests with me until Alice came along and I was really thankful for this, especially Death Note since its what made us start talking again after she transferred schools.

Since I didn’t really have much friends my whole life was spent online, its when I discovered my Idol now, Michelle Phan. Her Poker Face make up tutorial was the first makeup tutorial I watch and it instantly grabbed my attention. I used to spend hours before I sleep to watch her videos and this happened daily. Its amazing to watch her grow up now and see her become this successful person, I want to be like her someday ❤ My second Idol has to be Emma Watson, I love how she stood up for feminism and how strong she is.

Spending hours of my life watching Michelle Phan made me want to do videos like her, but because I didn’t have the the talent, the equipment or the courage and I don’t have money tbh to go through doing a video it never happened, however it was through her that I learned about Xiaxue and through her I was introduced to blogging. I asked Alice to join me in creating this blog and she joined in while my best friend Ahmad supported the Idea. I still remember how fast my heart was beating from fear and I’m pretty proud of myself that I went through it.

One of my biggest problems in my life is me, I’m an over-thinker. I think about everything that could possibly (and sometimes impossible) to happen. It’s kind of a defence mechanism to protect myself, however I’m so deep in that I scare myself. I had a rough 7 years and still going and my ideas of coping was to expect everything so I can deal with whatever is thrown my way and escapism. Escapism is a huge part of my life that I’m scared I might develop a multiple personality disorder, but I doubt I’ll ever stop it as I do love it tbh.

That’s all I can think of right now, this is already a pretty long post ^_^ I hope you enjoyed it and if you’re joining the challenge link me so we could learn more about each other or maybe even become friends :O you never knoww…

-Panda/Deww

Getting Ready tips and tricks + College Ramble…

Lately I’ve been really busy with college work. I’m already accepted in one college but I’m not so sure if it would be right to attend it as it doesn’t have the department I’d like to study, which is interior design. However they teach it as a course so there is that and its like 10 minutes from my house so thats a huge plus. The college I’m applying for now is the MSA and literally has everything that I want, but with one set back. Its too far and how long I take on the road varies due to traffic. I can take either 30 minutes which isn’t bad or 2 hours which is really bad considering that I’ll be studying arts & design which would give me buttload of assignments to work on with just a little time to do them in. I could keep going on with this argument but I’ve probably bored you already.

For the rest of the week I’ll be attending this art course offered by the MSA to prepare me for the exam. Tbh I don’t really need it, especially after seeing other students’ works but I thought it would be a good experience and it would warm me up to the college as it freaks me out; I even already made a friend.

I woke up super duper late today, somehow I managed to sleep through my alarm and 3 people calling on my phone to wake me up. Its like I died or something. I got ready in less than 10 minutes I think which has never happened in my life before. I take at least 30 minutes to get ready. Fortunately I packed my back the night before.

Tips on How to Get Ready Fast

9am

4pm. Slightly oily on the nose.

Makeup:

• Nivea Men After Shave Balm in Sensitive as primer
• Lancome Teint Idole Ultra 24H foundation applied with a sponge
• Essence All About Matt! Fixing Powder
• Essence Lash & Brow Gel Mascara to keep my brows in place
• L’Oreal True Match Blush in Tender Rose on my cheeks
• L’Oreal Miss Manga mascara
• Essence XXXL long lasting lipgloss is 06 soft nude/matte effect

If you’re late then definitely skip eyeliner, it just takes why to much time and if you mess up then you’ll even take extra time to clean up and make sure it didn’t leave a muddy mess behind.

If you guys watch Nikkie Tutorials then you’ve probably seen her use the Nivea aftershave balm as primer and I really wanted to try it. Its so good tbh! I’m really oily so makeup usually melts of my face easily, when I tried this today my makeup was on from 9AM to 5PM OKAY?! THATS PRETTY EPIC. I was a bit oily on my nose but it wasn’t that bad. Usually my makeup would have melted by the time and I’d be so freaking oily the US would want to invade my face x.x” The all about matt! powder really helps too. On its own, it reduced my oiliness with approximately 40%

The L’Oreal true match blush is super duper awesome to as it highlights as well as giving pink natural blush to the cheeks so thats efficient and time saving, right? XD

Hair:

I put my hair in a messy bun the night before and slept with it on so I wouldn’t have to deal with hair in the morning XDD

Clothes:

When I know I should be waking up early I ready my clothes the night before as I know I’m not and never will be a morning person, but if I fail to so I just put on a basic tee and jeans and bam! Thats it.

Here is a trick, always keep gum in your bags and purses. I didn’t have the time to have breakfast or coffee so thats good because my mouth wont stink as bad and sometimes the tooth paste just doesnt feel enough so gum it is. Keeping a pack in all your purses will solve and stinky breath and you won’t have to run around the house looking like a lost penguin searching for something to make you less stinky.

Pictures of the university:

We were taking the course in the Pharmacy building for some reason, this is what it looks like ~

The view of the campus

Art & Design building ~

Its so beautiful!! (>o<)

Selfie just because x3

Something I really enjoy is that I’ll be seeing the pyramids and nile on daily basis if I do enter this college. I can’t get my head wrapped around the fact that the pyramids is one of the world’s seven wonders and I get to see it whenever I want yet some Egyptians don’t really care it that much.

-Panda/Deww

Heroin Addiction ✧

Today I started watching this show about drug addiction, a lot of Egyptians probably have finished watching it already. Its called Taht ElSaytara (Under Control). I couldn’t help but see myself in the lead actress, we share a lot of traits with a few small but at the same time major differences. We both overthink everything, we’re not good with confrontations, we’re both stuck in lives we can’t control and we fear losing control of our lives, we fear a lot of stuff, especially lonelliness but we’re both strong. We chose different passes to deal with our lives and this is due to our different traits. I have anxiety disorder. My anxiety controls me, it makes me think of the unthinkable. I think about something before it happens, its results and consequences; its usually just delusions and nothing ever happens, but I still worry about it until I feel like my body is struggling from addiction. Surprisingly, my anxiety saves me from narcotics. The lead character dove intro narcotics to escape “now”, but escaping isn’t forever and I want something forever however this is called death and I don’t want to die. I have a lot of dreams and I wont rest until I make at least one of those dreams come true. My method of escaping consists of dreaming, either asleep or awake. While still watching this series I thought maybe that evil faux friend haven’t tripped me yet, but will get to do so in the future and I’d fall. As if the computer heard me and and decided to reply me, a sentence was said, “… Some people just never think of it.”. Even though this laptop I’m using isn’t mine, but it definitely is a damn good friend – it answered my question if I’ll ever fall. I won’t. I never thought about drugs or even alcohol for that matter. I hate being controlled and I’m not one of those stupid people who just doesn’t believe that these substances can’t control me. They’re not a living thing, this doesn’t mean its weaker than humans. If medicines can heal our bodies then narcotics can destroy us. The only control we have over it is to take its pass or not. I hate losing control of myself, it scares me beyond anyone could begin to understand. The character just wanted to lose control at the moment, she didn’t have anxiety to make her worry about the aftermath, she just wanted to stop thinking for a while and she thought that this break would help. It doesn’t, never does. When I started it hookah, it wasn’t because I was just going with the flow. I had researched it before and when the chance came, I tried it and liked it. Its not as addicting as cigarettes so I knew I was safe. So its not that I just “realised” what I’m doing, I knew exactly what I was doing. When I found that I’ve taken I liking to it, the option of vaping appeared to me. I should order one soon as I’ve saved up its money. I thought that I’ve already got people in my life hurting me and unfortunately for me I can’t just rid myself of them so I can’t be hurting myself too. One day I’ll leave this life and I need myself to be ready for this not broken to pieces. I don’t want an escape, I want a solution so I wont have to deal with this shit anymore. -Panda/Deww